Friday, December 31, 2010

A day, a year, a lifetime

I looked out my window this morning to have a world of brightness greet me. The snow glazed over the trees, and I caught the sun at just the right angle peaking through the trees. It was gorgeous, all day.
My mom was getting calls through out the day, about papa.
I remember being little and running out of things to do. I'd ask mom, "Can I read a story to you?"
"Why don't you go read to Papa?" She'd say.
Oh yeah, of course, why didn't I think of that. I'd run to his room, where he'd be in bed about to take a nap, or he'd be watching TV. Sometimes he'd be in his chair just taking in the world. I'd crawl up right beside him and begin my small picture book. He loved listening to me read, or so I thought, until I'd look up every once in a while and catch him dozing. Those are my favorite memories with him. Sometimes we'd go for a walk, when he was healthy enough.
I remember him ending his visit, and leaving to go back home. He basically said goodbye like the next time we saw him would be when he didn't remember who we were, or he'd be dead. We didn't like him thinking like that.
I remember at Kristina's high school graduation he said he wouldn't make it another 4 years to mine. I prayed and hoped he would... and we're almost there!
He was right. Last couple times I've come to visit him, he doesn't know who I am. He calls me "that nice girl." On good days he'll pop a few jokes, and make everyone laugh.
It was such a wonderful, beautiful day today. It's almost over and I think how long it would feel if I had to struggle for every breath I took today. What a tedious, exhauting job! My mom cryed a lot today. "Papa might not make it through the night." It's New Years Eve! Almost 2011! I graduate! Grandpa, you're so close! You might not remember who I am, but it would mean so much to me if you made it to my graduation. At least to 2011! Don't give up, you're almost there.
I have a feeling I'm going to want to get out of here soon. Good thing break is almost over. I need to run. But running in 7 degree weather can't be good for you.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The beat without a drum

The light is dim as the Christmas tree next to me sparkles in manifest glory. The 12 strands it took to fully light the 15 ft tree eluminate the room. It's late and everyone is in bed, but not me. I'm knitting away, creating something beautiful for my closest friends late christmas gifts. My ipod is turned to my favorite playlist. The 23 saddest songs out of the thousands contained in the small device. All of these songs are slow and depressing. Some of them have awful memories attached to them, and as I listen I revisit the dreaded places. Others are just pure, raw distress. In the quiet you can feel the pain someone went through in order to create the sensation you feel as you listen to the song. I admire their ability to put so much blunt emotion into music. That's the way it should be. It drains all that you have left in you and leaves you dry. These songs make me stop and reevaluate my life. I think of all the relationships that need mending, and ways to heal them.
I love to listen to this playlist on long trips, sitting by myself on the bus back from Alaska... I'm sure I'll listen on my way to Africa as well...
I remember lying in bed each night last year. My roommate sound asleep. Sometimes it was just me and these sad songs to keep me company as I drifted into unconsciousness. Sometimes, when I got lucky, the rain would grace me with it's presence and slash against my windows and drip from the roof above. I would lay awake in bed with a broken, bleeding heart. No need to cry and wake up my roommate, I'd let the rain do it's job. These songs rip my heart out and make it bleed for all the saddness in the world. And I let it bleed... and then I pick up the pieces and move on.
They say I'm heartless because I don't cry in movies and I laugh at sad stories. I have no sympathy for those "heart broken" teenagers. I've been accused of being part of a "heartbreaking gang of girls," as someone once put it. They've never seen me cry. "Heartless!" they say. Sometimes I just don't want to feel... that's all.
Why are these awful songs my favorite, you say?
As I sit here innocently knitting away, they remind me that I'm still human.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Oh Africa! I'm Coming!

I imagine it to be a steaming hot place. Stepping off the plane into an oven. Sitting on the bus miserable, with a tinge of excitment, almost completely soaked. Sweat dripping from my skin as I eat bread and peanut butter for breakfast in the morning. Sweat washing my face as I pick up yet another stone and set it on my baby brick wall. Sweat rolling off my brow as I race towards the soccer ball and kick it to my new found friends and teammates of little rascals. My hair in a tangled, wet, mess as I sing praise songs for VBS. Completely soaked as I lay ontop of my sleeping bag, in my tent, on the toasty sand, unable to sleep from the heat.
I've imagine all of this a billion times. But in all this nasty wetness, I really hope, just once, I get completely drenched in rain. I hope it pours. It would be a warm rain, from a warm day. And maybe we'd all get malaria and die after that, but I want to smell it. It would be such a different smell from the after rains here. We smell the rain hitting the pavement. But what does it smell like 10 hours from the closest pavement, surrounded by sand dunes and wild life in the middle of the desert? Now that, I can't imagine.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Seeing Isn't Always Believing

He looked down at the small boy distressed in his seat, "Santa isn't real." He said.
The young boy said nothing, but kept looking straight ahead.
"Have you seen Santa?" He tried again.
"No." The boy responded. He looked up into the mans eyes. "Is a million dollars real?" He questioned.
"Yes." The man replied.
"Have you ever seen it?"
"You don't have to see things to believe they're real."

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Night Before The Night Before Christmas

I lost track of the days this week. Without a normal schedule they somehow jumble all together. Someone told me it was Thursday today. I didn't believe them so as I sat down to write this I had to check the date on the computer and compare it to the calendar on the wall. It's true, they weren't in fact lying to me.
This means Christmas is just around the corner. It's actually less than around the corner, it's practically staring me in the face (good thing I got my Christmas shopping done). It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. The only time I had a hint of that Christmas joy was the morning I awoke to the first snowfall in mid November. It hasn't snowed in a long time, what is with this weather?
Maybe I'm just Mr. Scrouge this year, or is this the way a normal 17 year old feels?
You know, I did practically nothing all day today and my back aches.
Does this mean I'm getting old?


Yesterday afternoon I went to the Spokane Valley Mall to get all my Christmas shopping done. As I was riding down the escalator this cute, small girl maybe 3, was standing next to me. She looked as if she knew exactly where she was going. I looked around, no mom running around the corner to come get her. "Where's your mom?" She didn't say anything. As she hopped off the escalator, she took off running and leaping around through the crowds of people down the long strip of stores. I kept my eye on her as she ran from store to store, stopping briefly to take a peak in each one. She was looking for her mom, no doubt she was lost. A man selling things at his stand asked if she belonged to us. "No, but we're keeping our eye on her." Finally a lady came out of a store and saw the young girl looking in.
"Are you lost?" She asked.
No response.
"Do you know where your mommy is?" She tried again. The little girl shrugged her shoulders. "What's your name?" The lady tried.
"Eveyln." She whimpered out. She still looked pretty bold, like she wasn't afraid of anything.
"Eveyln, do you know what your mommy's name is? What do people call your mommy?"
"I'm five." She said as she held out her fingers to indicate the amount. There was no way she was actually five.
"You're five?" She asked in disbelief. "Wow, you're a big girl... Do you know what your mommy was wearing? Did she have a pink shirt on? Was it black?"
"Yeah! Black!"
"Good! Was she wearing jeans?"
"Maybe..." You could tell Eveyln wasn't as bold as before and was starting to get frantic.
"Eveyln stay right here, I'll be right back." She turned to go inside to ask for the store clerk to call for security, but as she turned to go in, the store workers came out and told her they'd already called security and they were on their way. The security worker arrived a few minutes later and took Eveylns hand. Evelyn began to look a little panicked. As they walked away together the repeated questions began again...
"Hi Eveyln, I'm Rachel, do you know what your mommy was wearing? Did she have a green shirt on? Was it pink?"

I feel like I'm in an adventure of my own running around boldly maybe looking in a few stores here and there when it feels like I'm missing something, but for the most part I'm making my way through the store just fine on my own. Everyone else in the mall can tell from a mile away I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm headed. But I'm ok with that for now, people can say what they want. No one confronts me at first, I'm out on my own, and it feels great. Until finally someone pulls me off to the side and starts throwing questions out at me that I don't know the answer to because I've wandered off alone. That's when I start to panic. And when the realization hits me that I need to go back to my mom, and the security gaurd comes to help me find her, I wonder if I ever will. And if I ever do, after disobeying, will I get punished? Will she even want me back?

Monday, December 20, 2010

the music you can't stand yet somehow love

Every family has their problems.
I noticed today that mine are trifiling, negligible, inconsequential, and frivolous, yet abstract, elaborate, transcendental, and overall exaggerated.
It's like a discord of notes jumbled together in dissonace waiting to make a joyful resound and resolve in satisfaction. Persistently lingering... conforming into a harmonious correspondence of sounds in resolution.

Restraining the Urge to Dance

UCA performed their Christmas concert at The Fox again this year. Every time I went out to sing, either for octet or choraliers I just wanted to start running around and dancing. It reminded me SO much of theater looking out into the audience. The stage was perfect, backstage was pretty close to the old theater I was use to, maybe not as nice. I could remember some of the cheerleading routines I did a few years ago on stage. It's my last year of high school, I wish it was more like High School Musical!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

People Watching

My sister was telling me today that one of her favorite things to do as a family is go "people watching." Shopping at the mall is always one of our family Christmas traditions, before Christmas and afterwards. You can always find Kristina, Mom, and me shopping away, and outside the little store on a bench is Dad and Ben sitting contently "people watching" they call it.

There was a light snow falling as we walked past the ice-skating rink towards Flatirons mall in Colorado one Christmas afternoon. I remember my sister telling my dad, "Dad, I just love this place! One day, I'm going to get married here!" Now if you asked her about this memory today she would vividly remember saying this, but I'm pretty sure she's changed her mind. We entered the food court, Christmas music mixed with loud talking filled the place. My dad asked us, "So, what do you want to do?" Surprisingly my sister didn't say, "SHOP!" She use to have a problem with this, she couldn't leave a store without buying something, even if it was at a grocery store! Instead my sister and I looked at each other and said, "I don't know." We sat on the rock extending from the large fireplace in the middle of the room. "Wait here, I'll go get some cinnamon rolls."
He stood in line, and returned with two large cinnamon rolls. As my sister and I scarfed them down, he just sat there, watching people. I remember him telling us that was one of his favorite things to do. Just sit and watch people. They were all so different, you never came across someone exactly the same. So my sister and I finished our treats and just sat there and watched people with Dad. It's such a good memory, I think for both my sister and I. I wish I would slow down every once in a while, just to sit and watch. I wish life were that simple again.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

More Than a Job

I was in a light sleep, and I heard the sound of a subtle knock on my door. I rolled over and looked at the clock, 7:30. There was no way I was getting out of bed. The knock came again this time a little louder. It was silent. They knocked once again even harsher. Silence. They pounded on the door, like they were going to bust into my room. I didn't budge. I guess I fell back asleep, but it wasn't a deep sleep. I heard the knocking again. I rolled over once again, it was 8:15. Nope, not getting up. They knocked a little louder. It was silent. They knocked once again even harsher. Silence. They pounded on the door as if to knock it down. I didn't budge. I figured the deans were available for a key or whatnot. There were plenty of other options besides me. Other R.A.'s have keys to unlock their door for them. What about their roommate? They shouldn't have lost their key to begin with. I'm an R.A. I stay up late, they don't get that. I rolled back over and returned to sleep, only to find myself awoken yet again, this time by the high screetching sound of my alarm clock. It's an awful sound, and I was already in a bad mood. I layed there for a couple minutes in bed, contimplating if I should get up. I forced myself to crawl out of bed. I was grumpy, very grumpy. Why are people so inconsiderate, I'm up all night doing a job, working on homework, and they think they can just come take away even more of my sleep for no good reason. Lack of sleep makes me grumpy... and then I felt guilty, because after all, my job isn't on the clock, it's year-round. It's 24/7. It never stops. Someone is always watching. I'm suppose to be available ALWAYS, even in the middle of the night when I'm asleep and someone is homesick crying out in the hall. This is my job. And one of the reasons I love it.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Way I am

I just happened to notice last years yearbook placed on my window sill this evening as I was closing my curtains for the night. I picked it up and read through my notes. There was one in particular that caught my eye. It read:
So basically you are the nicest person I have ever met. Seriously. I think you have the best personality of the student body! I'm so glad you came to UCA, you really add so much to our class... Karalee, never NEVER change. You are so kind to everyone, and that is so valuable. You will get far in life if you are slow to anger and speak kindly like you do now. Next year is going to be a blast, I can't wait!..."

It's my favorite note in my yearbook, because it's one of the niceset things someone's ever said to me. But I look at it, and read it, and I can't help feeling guilty. It doesn't help that I really look up to, and have a lot of respect for the person who wrote it. I feel like an awful person. Like they're totally blind to reality and I have no idea how I fooled them. I'm not the angel they think I am. I'm human too. I'm scared to spend more time with them now out of fear they really get to know me. What did I do to make them believe this? The more time I spend with them, the more flaws they'll discover. It's weird because they've seen me at my most vulnerable, and yet I wonder if that had anything to do with the way they view me. They're so nice, and we get along well, I want to be closer friends, but I'm so frightened. We're in the real world, no one is this perfect. Please, please still like me. Take me the way I am.


I just finished watching the moive, "Inception" and I could watch it about 5 more times before I really appreciated it, if you know what I mean. As I was watching it, I thought of ideas stolen from the "Matrix" and "Chronicles of Narnia." They had these dreams, where you can go inside of a dream. They went 4 dreams deep. It was like they couldn't stand living in reality but had to create their own fantasies. They lived for dreams.
I thought of how different my life is when I come home. It's like I'm living in two different worlds. One at school, and the other when I'm at home. They're two completely different places, and atmospheres. They're both so good at the moment, I can't decide which one is my reality, and which one is my fantasy.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Mac & Cheese

I was sitting in Spanish class today suppose to be singing a Christmas carol when flashbacks started coming. I looked around and no one was singing. The teacher, and maybe one other student, but that was all. We were all suppose to be singing, the teacher kept saying "todos! todos!" But everyone just looked at her like she was crazy. I remembered sitting in Mrs. Blaire's choir class back in kindergarten all the way through about 3rd grade I was too cool to sing. My best friend Carrie and I would sit there and glare at everyone else, especially the teacher or make fun of those around us who were actually singing. I remembered those days and thought about lunch coming around the corner. Now if I was in 1st grade I would probably be getting ready to go home for the day to watch Arthur while I ate my Mac & Cheese. How I miss those days! Oh Mac & Cheese! I wanted to be
out of school eating Mac & Cheese SO bad! It sounded SO good! So I promised myself I'd eat it for dinner. I don't usually eat dinner, but tonight is an exception. I just got done with basketball and whipped me up some good ol' Mac & Cheese... Kraft kind of course, and I even had milk to make it creamy! So now I'm sitting here eating it, in my dorm room alone, and I'm trying to comprehend just how fast life has flown by. Not much changes from 1st grade. And now that I'm done, I wish I had peas.

Monday, December 6, 2010


She told me she could never forgive her mother. She hated her.
I asked her, "But what about what Jesus says in the Bible about forgiving others 70x7?"
"I don't care." She'd say.
"But Jesus forgives us everyday for the sins we commit, and in His book commiting murder is just as bad as the "little" sins we do without realizing it everyday."
"I don't care. I hate her. You don't understand what she did to me. She ruined my life."
"Jesus says we're suppose to follow His example..."
She told me how it all started. How her grandma got her mom to start smoking pot. How her mom was cheating on her dad. How her mom's boyfriend actually killed a pregnant woman and her baby by kicking her in the stomach, and he spent 8 months in prison afterwards. Not long enough. She told me about her mom beating her dad and how she had to try to protect him. She said her mom and her mom's boyfriend were following her and trying to kidnap her. She didn't know what they were going to do to her but she couldn't sleep, and even now she is haunted by nightmares about them finding her and killing her father, the only one who has ever really loved her. And without him, she belongs to no one, both her and her sister are orphans. She told me about all the renewed restraining orders. She said she almost had to go live with her mom but one of her best friends, Eric from a foster home got everyone in the school, teachers, principal and all to sign a petition to let her stay with her dad. That's the only reason she is where she is today. She said her mom only pretended to love her now so she could get money from child support. She said she'd accepted her mom on facebook, because deep down inside, she really does still love her and she misses her. She said her dad told her to block her, but she didn't want to. I told her she needed to block her for her own safety, and she said she would, which made me feel better inside. She said she was angry at God, and she'd been told that "everything happens for a reason." But she can't understand what God's reason behind ruining her life is. She said she was angry with him for a long time, and she stopped going to church. But she thinks maybe one of his reasons is for her to realize what kind of mom she NEEDS to be to her children instead of the way it was for her. She said she wanted to go out and make a difference in the world. Start organizations for kids that have to live through the same thing she had to. She said she was going to adopt a bunch of kids when she got older and make a good life for them. She has dreams of living on a mountain, with a boat and a farm, with lots of munchkins running around and a happy husband. She's scared she won't ever find a husband, but I know she'll be cautious. She has a good sense of judgement and a good head on her shoulders, she'll be fine.
She had a confession to make, "Remember all those times you came into my room and saw me crying? And I told you I had a stubbed toe?"
"Yes." I replied.
"I lied to you. I didn't have a stubbed toe. I was crying because I was looking at pictures of my mom on facebook in her 'new life' without all of us. It made me sad."
"Oh Amy!... Will you forgive her if she ever changes?"
"She always says she's changed. She says she's been to classes and she's got counseling and help, and she wants to take us back. But she really doesn't care about us. She told that to my face. She hates me. As much as I wish she'd love me, she never will... I don't know."
"Amy, I hope you can forgive her."
"I know."

Sunday, December 5, 2010

A Night in Venice

She was a little nervous, a little excited. She walked down the stairs to meet him and you could tell he was nervous too. He commented on how great she looked, but it almost sounded rehearsed. First he gave her a small collecters bear that he'd renamed to "Swenson." Then he pulled the corsage from it's case and put it on her wrist. She giggled at her own clumsiness as she attempted to pin the boutonniere on. She pinned from the inside out, so the pokey side was sticking out of his jacket.
He offered her his arm and off they went to Venice. They gave the man at the door their ticket and walked over a bridge filled with sparkling water. They wandered to their seats. After grabing dinner, an italian soda, covering their fruit with chocolate from the chocolate fountain, and roasting a marshmallow over the candle decorations on the table, they found themselves in line for a picture. As they sat at the table posing for the picture, you could tell it looked awkward. But, that's the way the picture guy seemed to want it. He must really enjoy his job. They went their seperate ways to change for the activity, ice skating.
They met each other again at the bus. They began asking random questions all the way there. When they entered they first played an interesting version of ice hockey, without the skates, playing to win a $10 itunes giftcard, but unfortunately their team scored a total of 0 points. They skated and talked, asking questions the whole night. He was a good skater, she was a beginner, but he stayed at her pace as she made her way around the rink. Others were slipping and falling left and right, but somehow they seemed to keep their balance. There was one more game to play for the night. The couples lined up at one side of the wall with their hands on their partners shoulders. "Ready? Go!" He started skating as she leaned in the opposite direction against him, skating backwards. The couple to the right decided spur of the moment to take an immediate left and before they knew it, BAM! They almost came tumbling down, but his movements were too quick and he caught her before she could take a fall. They lined up again and rushed to touch the other side of the rink and returned to the other end in 2nd to last place. The game ended, the champion was found, and they continued skating around the rink. Finally the bus was loading and they returned to the dorms. She thanked him for asking her as they hugged each other goodbye. They headed in opposite directions back to the dorms and returned to normal life.

Oh the silliness of banquets. I wonder if it changes things.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Reacurring Theme

It happened again to me today. I was left alone.
Last night for the worship on my hall we made our own name tags. Snowmen actually. The girls were busy working away as I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off getting more glue sticks, crayons, paper, pencils, scissors, you name it. Finally, when I felt we had enough supplies, I sat down and began building my own decoration. I sat there and cut, and colored, and glued pieces together diligently. When I was finished with my creation I looked up and around me. No one. The hall was desserted. My only companions were the pens, pencils, scraps of paper and opened glue sticks rolling around in a mesh looking like an explosion had gone off. I laughed at myself for just now noticing that I was alone. I must have really been concentrating!
It happened to me again today.
This time in the cafe at lunch about 45 minutes ago. It started out as a full table. We finished eating and half the table left. I was visitng with a few friends at the end of the table. I got distracted by someone sitting a few tables down, we were making funny faces at each other. I ducked under the table for a split second, popped back up, and poof! Gone. I was alone again at this huge table by myself. I looked around and laughed again. As I got up to leave someone walked by and laughed at me. "Don't you hate it when that happens?" He said. "Yeah! It seems to be happening a lot to me lately."
I'd like to think of myself as a caring, compassionate person, who really wants to get out of my comfort zone just to notice people. To help people, and contribute to a friendly atmosphere. But maybe I'm too blind to the things around me. Too preoccupied with helping myself, that I'm oblivious to the fact that I'm alone.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Oh the Season!

The butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach. It tickles a little bit, in an odd way. It's actually not good for you. That anxious, nervous, excited feeling that we all love, to an extent, is actually bad for your health. I've been having this feeling on and off but most of the time for the last couple days now. Like something exciting is going to happen, not in a few months, or a few weeks or days, but now, at the present. Nothing ever does of course, but it's funny the way it happens. I get all giddy and excited for no reason, and I start acting goofy. Randomly, throughout my day. Or during the whole day. For NO REASON. Silly, I know. Maybe it's Christmas. This season does weird things you know. What a refreshing thought. It turns even the Scrouges and Grinches jolly.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

An Adventure For The Day

It was Sunday today, but bummer for me I had school. I walked into A&P and saw the unexpected, yet somewhat expected note taped to my desk. It read:
For Karalee
I flipped it over and read it. It was the beginning of my treasure hunt, the first clue was "on Jon Macks chest." Ha! So I turned to Jon to get it from him. Yep, sure enough, under his shirt. What a weirdo. I sat in class trying to focus on our test review but I didn't catch a word. I was trying my hardest to pay attention! I felt like a little kid again. I had a strong urge to run out of the classroom and go find the next note, but I held myself in check and waited until the teacher let us go. Luckily, we got out of class about 30 minutes early and the next clue was inside the juice machine in the cafe. Heidi and Alex tagged along as we walked through the snow to the cafe. I wanted to run, but instead acted as though it was no big deal. In fact, I already knew who this "secret" person was, no need to rush right? I opened the juice machine with ease and read that the next clue was at the fountain. I decided there was no point in hiding my excitement, and instead of walking lazily to our destination, I ran more than excited! I arrived breathless, and found the next note completely in Spanish. Words we haven't covered yet in Spanish 2. I took this clue to the library and looked up the meaning on google translater. The next note would be under my Spanish desk, I couldn't wait 15 more minutes for my Spanish class to start! It was awful! Finally the bell rang and spanish began. My next clue would be in the music building. I sat through Spanish with as much patience as I could muster, trying to concentrate on yet again, another test review. It was one of the longest classes of the year, but when the bell rang, I was up and out of my seat and headed to the piano's in a jiffy. I looked in almost every piano on second floor before I found the last note. It was quite an exciting adventure today. I must admit, my heart was racing even though I knew who was asking me to the banquet. I absolutely loved that feeling. But if I fail all my tests tomorrow, I blame it on River Davis.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

A Verse on my Mirror.

"Keep looking straight ahead, without turning aside. Know where you are headed, and you will stay on solid ground." -Proverbs 4:25-26
The last few days have been a struggle to keep from blogging. I'll think of perfect things to compare my life to, like the continuous deep cough from this week, or my broken phone charger... and now my broken phone. But then I have to stop myself, because it's all so negative. I've been told too many times this week, let alone in this day that I look really sad. I'll be staring off into the distance while I'm standing in the middle of a chatty crowd, and get this look on my face. I'll be reading my home page on facebook, and get the returned troubled look on my face. I'm not sad, I might be consentrating, or thinking about complicated issues, or things I feel need to be my responsibility to worry about, but they aren't.

But last night at our late night R.A. meeting, someone said they see God in me. Tonight on my hall as the girls were complaining about the days leading up to break, I was explaining why I was so excited! They commented on how cheerful I was, and how they just loved how I picked out the "little things" in life that make life good.
This is good, this is very good. This is improvement, slow, but good progress. I hope I continue to portray this sort of outlook on life.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Seeking Treasure

What do you tell an athiest when they ask you why you'd give up so much in life to become a christian? "Being a christian is hard." They say, and I'd have to agree. We discussed this in Bible class the other day and no one had an answer. Every answer had an argument against it. I just don't understand the answer to this question. Finally today I asked Pastor Sid after class, what his answer to this question was.
Of course, he turned the question back on me, "What makes you want or need God in your life?"
I answered with the "no duh" answer, "Well, with God leading your life you will encounter an incredible journey in life, better than you thought was possible, better than the plans for yourself."
He simply replied with, "Yes, that's true. But that's a factual answer. I want something deep. From your, Karalee Rhuman's heart."
I stood there staring at him for a minute... I pondered a bit, I had nothing. There is nothing in my heart, and he could see right through me. I thought I could feel a tear forming in my eye so I quickly replied with, "Well, I guess I'll have to think about that more." And turned towards my desk to pick up my stuff.
He solomnly answered, "When you know the answer to that question, you'll know what to say to the athiest."
I returned to my desk, holding back the tear that wanted to spill and run down my face, picked up my things with a small smile and a little departing laugh like always. I quickly went on my way, running out of the ad building and into the sanctuary of my room. I stared out the window and saw an old man I didn't recognize with a metal detector searching for something on the lawn. He bent down and started digging... nothing, covered the whole back up, and started searching again. Again he thought he'd found something, this time he dug deeper and wider. Nothing. He stood up and went on his way. I stared out the window and let the tears roll freely.

How long do you have to search until you find the Treasure?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


It's like there's this excitement inside, but a deadness at the same time. I'm like the box of donuts hiding downstairs in the little kitchen's cabinets, and the box of veggie links that we eat for breakfast every morning. Slowly diminishing. We had 3 boxes and now we're down to 1. It's only been 3 days. A box a day. There's 12 donuts in a box, where do they all go? 3 or 4 of us eat them for breakfast every morning, and then maybe we snatch bits and peices like little sneaky mice throughout the day for a snack... Why does my life at the moment seem to be a great comparison to an unhealthy box of donuts slowly becoming non-existant? I would much rather be compared to a blossoming flower in the Spring, slowly, but surely bringing beauty to the planet. Prospering in more ways than one rather than degenerating in quantity and quality. Guess I'll have to wait till Spring.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

In The Bushes

So, tonight I "accidentally" shoved Elise into the bushes as her, Emily, and I were walking to the dorm from Choraliers. It was pretty funny, I must admit. She lost her shoe in the mass of bushes. It almost looked like it hurt and I felt kind of bad because I didn't mean to push her over that hard so she'd actually FALL and lose her balance. I helped her up and gave her a hug as I was laughing my head off and I leaned over with my phone to bring light on the bushes so I could dig around in the brush to find her shoe. As I bent over she shoved me in. BAM! I fell into the bush and lost my shoe too. I looked up at her as I sat laughing in the middle of the big bush and said, "Hey, aren't you suppose to do unto others as you would..." I stopped and realized what I was about to say didn't make much sense because I did technically start this whole fiasco. Elise just smiled down at me and said with a laugh, "EXACTLY!" A group of silly boys were near the powerhouse watching and laughing at us. As soon as I scrambled out of the bush they ran over and were about to pummel us all into the bush but Elise and I got away, Emily on the other hand wasn't so lucky and down she fell. We stood there laughing for a bit. The boys were still running around trying to be sneaky enough to push us in, but we found Elises shoe and ran to the dorm to go to dinner.
This story may be pointless, except for the fact that it totally made my day. Maybe you just had to be there... And another thing, every time I pass that bush that now has a permanent whole in the center, I'll think of this silly incident, and it'll bring a small smile to my face, a brightness to my day, and a little bounce to my step.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Over The River

Hush, Hush, Hush, Hush,
Hush, Hush, Hush, Hush

I heard a sound come from the ground
All of the trees are a buzz
Talking in tongues, talking with lungs
Talking of freedom

All of the earth is soon to give birth
Look at the mountains alive
Birds and the bees, insects and leaves
All of us longing, longing for home
Home, home is somewhere I’ve never known

Over the river
Over the river
I’ve set my hope
Over the river
Over the river
I’ll find my hope in You, You

Death, where is your sting?
Your signet ring?
Where is your power?
Why all this war?
Death to the score
Nations are fading

Kingdom of light, setting us right
Finally human
Give me a tongue
It will be done
Inside I’m longing, longing for love
Love, love is something I’ve never known

Over the river
Over the river
I’ll find my hope
Over the river
Over the river
I’ll find my hope in You

Hush, Hush, Hush

-Jon Foreman

Thursday, November 4, 2010

A Numbing Disease

I have a disease. It's been with me my entire life, but recently in the last 8 months it's desire to spread is becoming a reality. It's taking over my body, my soul, and my very existance of life. I have a numbness to the world. The tingly and jingly feeling when your arm or leg falls asleep is spread throughout my entire body now because I never stopped it when it had just begun. The obstacles of life are shouting at me everyday, but I face them numbly. Unaware, oblivious of my surroundings, or maybe I just don't care. So numb to feeling anything. It's like a conversation that you're not really involved in. You just stand there and listen. No one even acknowledges your presence. You forget you're actually a person standing there, you think you've become the wall. I guess it's my fault. I should have done something sooner, when I could have fixed the problem. It's like deaths door is just around the corner, and I can't stop myself from running 100 mph. I don't know if I can slow down, and even if I could, could I turn around? Is there still hope? Is there still a reason to hope?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

a broken friendship lost in greed.

It was just a freakin' pony tail. So why does it feel so much worse? She keeps coming and taking more and more... and I never see her again.
I asked for the never been used before her, pony tail back... and she gave it back. Stretched out and ruined.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Who Says?

I woke up at 12:30 this nice Monday afternoon. That's the longest I've ever slept in here at school. It feels weird... almost like I'm going against a rule that says you need to wake up to have a real day. Maybe that's why I like it so much. I woke up at 11 rolled over and looked at the clock and thought, I should get up... but then I reevaluated the situation. Who says I have to get up? I'm not at home, my mother isn't going to walk into my room and turn on the light telling me to wake up, my brother won't run in and pounce on me, or get his dog to, my friends are busy doing their HOPE project and won't knock to come visit, sure I have homework, but who says it can't wait? So, I layed there, rolled back around, and slept for another hour and a half. It was great, when I woke up again for the final time, I contemplated going back to sleep but then rethought it through. I probably wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if I kept sleeping the day away. So now I'm enjoying the afternoon sipping coffee and writing Africa letters. It feels so good to be your own boss.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Do I Hear an Encore?

Today Choiraliers went and sang at the "big church" downtown Spokane. I think it's a Methodist church? Afterwards, we went to Taco Bell for lunch. Someone asked us if we were a group, and we told them we were a choir group, and we'd just performed at a church down the road. He thought that was pretty cool and wanted to hear us sing. So a couple of us rounded the octet up and we sang an acapella song "Let The Heaven Light Shine." It was fabulous. Looking around the room at everyones faces... priceless. The Taco Bell workers cut the soft background music when they heard us singing. Everyone stopped talking, and eating, and doing whatever they were doing and turned to us intently listening. It went really well, and when we were done, everyone in the building started clapping. All 8 of the octet members turned to each other, a little bit pleased, a little bit embarrassed, but wishing we could do it one more time!

Jang Nan or Sah Tang

I JUST got back from an incredible experience. I'm sitting here in my pink princess dress reflecting over the night. Trick or treating on Halloween may not sound like an "incredible experience" but it was. Not because of the activity. I could care less if I got any candy. I don't like most candy... maybe nerds, a crunch bar everyonce in a while, a reeses or a kitkat, but that's about it. I do love the dressing up part, that is pretty fun. This is the second time in my life I've gone trick or treating. I remember once when I was about 5 I dressed up as a clown and went with my sister around the block of our little community. I don't remember very much.

When I called this afternoon to get parent permission for the deans so I could go, I was almost positive they were going to say no. It's Halloween after all, in their book, the WORST night to be driving... and the rules are already so strict on driving as it is... But I thought, what the heck, why not try? At first they said they'd think about it and call me back. When they called me back their answer was no, but somehow I found a way to persuade them. There were a few conditions though, I had to be back by 7:00PM. Which only gave me an hour because we left at 5:15, and it takes about 20 some minutes to drive out there. (Thanks mom and dad for letting me go!)

We went door to door, and it was great fun. My two Korean pals were a kick in the pants. One was dressed up as Mulan and the other a fat (stuffed with pillows) chicken. They went around saying in funny, deep, low voices, Jang Nan or Sah Tang, which is trick or treat in Korean. Cassie was Belle, Alex was Sleeping Beauty, Michael was James Bond, or Prince Charming (whichever you prefer), Heidi was Cruella Devil, Geoff was superman, Jon was a McDonalds worker, and I was Arial (but I got called Cinderella quite often). Everyone said we had the best outfits of the night! The act of going around from house to house wasn't exactly "exciting" like it would've been if we were little kids, but the fact that we were all together doing something we could make fun, just made the night! As I left early, they all said goodbye to me, and as I was driving home, I realized just how much I loved all of them. I started thinking about next year, even though it's a ways away... it really isn't that far away because this quarter flew by! I don't know what I'm going to do without all of them. I hope we can all go to Walla Walla together. I know Geoff lives in Colorado, and his plan as of now is to join the military next year. It breaks my heart, he's one of my best friends, I don't know what I'm going to do without him! But for tonight, for this memory that will last a life time, it was good. It was real good.

Friday, October 29, 2010

I Hate Chile, Chili, Chilly, in Every Way Possible.

I went to bed at 1:45 A.M. this morning. I was planning on waking up at 6 but I woke up and decided it was too early so I changed my alarm to give me an extra 30 minutes. Turned out I was so tired I slept an hour longer and I hadn't set my alarm, I had changed the time, so the time on my alarm clock when I opened my eyes said an hour and 45 minutes behind the original time I had planned to wake up. I jumped out of bed as quick as lightening and ran to my computer to finish my project. Of course, the internet wasn't working. Right then I knew my life was over. I had an hour to finish this project that needed about 5, and the internet wasn't even working. Where was I going to get all my information from? I scrambled looking for note-cards to turn in along with my presentation... nothing. That was it, my life was over. I had no idea what to do with myself. That's when I let the dam break, and the tears flow. I called my mom, she calmed me down and told me to do the best I could with what I had. I got ready for school, deleted my unfinished slides, and trucked over to have a talk with the Spanish teacher. I walked in the door, "I have a serious problem," I said. I hate giving excuses, they sound so bad! So fake! They make me sound lazy, I hate lazy people. I felt like such a hypocrite. "My presentation isn't finished. I went to bed late last night and woke up super early this morning, but the internet hasn't been up all morning, so I couldn't do anymore research. I have most everything, but there's a few slides that never got done. I even tried to work on it over homeleave last week but my computer wouldn't let me log in." It seemed like she didn't buy it because she said, "My internet is working fine here. Do you have time to work on it now?" I don't think she got where I was coming from. "I have class in about 3 minutes. I've been trying to work on it all morning." I repeated. She asked me if I had 20 minutes worth, I said I hadn't timed it but it should hopefully be enough.

After A & P I headed down to Spanish. My presentation was exactly 20 minutes long, but that's about the only good thing about it. A picture is worth a thousand words. One thing I did find in my research of the dreaded Chile country was this picture, that perfectly describes the way I feel after this project.
I will wait for you as long as it takes. There is nothing that pleases Me more than when you, My princess, seek Me. Like a lonely traveler seeking shelter from a storm, come to Me. Take comfort under My roof. Find security within My walls. Let me be your hiding place. That is what I created you for. You were never meant to wander the cold, lonely streets of life alone. So seek Me in the morning, and seek Me throughout the day and into the evening. Pursue Me with all your heart. When you do, you will find more than shelter. You will find a place to lay down your burdens and rest. You will also discover that I have been pursuing you all along.
Your King and your Shelter

(His Princess, Sheri Rose Shepherd)

"The one thing I ask of the LORD --the thing I seek most --is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life." Psalm 27:4

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

UCA Bucketlist

I just consumed 1,000 calories in a matter of minutes. That's right. I just finished a whole ice cream from the girls dorm by myself! (That would be the size of the big one up above...) What a difficult task! I thought it would be easy... after about 5 candy bars from before, I found it wasn't as easy as I thought. Right as I thought I would puke it all up I scrapped the side of the bowls down and forced myself to swallow, just so I could say for once in my life I had finished it. Now I feel pregnant as I waddle down the hall to check my girls in. My stomach is sick, a headache has kicked in... The thought of throwing up is very tempting, but I'm scared to force myself to do it. Well... guess I can check this one off my list.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Just let me sulk please

This afternoon I was practicing my amatuer hour song, and I couldn't go as low as I needed to. It irritated me that my voice wasn't cooperating. Elise and I were in the piano room and band got done early. I just had to make it through my song one last time perfectly, but of course, that wasn't possible. Every band member in human history had to bang on the door and walk through the room into the gym onto the stage because taking 10 extra step around the piano room was too difficult. We eventually gave up and went to Choraliers. When we finished I walked to dinner. A few of my friends were walking out of the cafe and gave me a smoothie they'd made me! I was thrilled and about to take it back into the dorm but they said there was really good ravioli I should get since they never serve anything other than the dreaded haystacks. I walked into line sipping my smoothy, looked into the red bowl of sauce and found just that. Sauce. That's all. No ravioli. There was absolutely no more dinner being served, nothing was there. I checked in the back to see if they had more. Nothing. Then I started chewing on my smoothie... I knew something was up. There was tons of little pieces of plastic in my smoothie! Sick! So I gave up trying to pick it out of the tiny slurps I slurped up and threw the full cup away. Even now I'm still picking pieces out of my teeth. I gave up on trying to find anything to eat and walked back to my car parked outside of the dorm to get my pillow from the back seat I had forgotten to grab earlier. I went to a friends room and told them I had to take my car up to park it, they had to also, so we decided we'd go together so we wouldn't have to walk back alone in the dark. I ran upstairs to my room to put away my pillow and when I got back they had drove off in their car already. So I got in my car and drove by myself. They had said they were going to go to the field so I walked up to the field.
The hill going up was muddy from the rain all day. I could feel my favorite floral shoes getting covered in mud. Just as I barely reached the top I tripped and sank into the soft, gooey, dirt. My fabric made shoes were soaked to the brim in mud, my jeans were muddy, and I hoped no one had saw. I got up and walked up to the field. My friends were no where to be found. Finally I decided to take the road back instead of going down the muddy hill again. I was so done with life. Little things like this that keep making my day worse and worse really push me over the edge. Winter, the depressed season of my life has hit. I walked back completely dissapointed in the day. I walked past my friends room, angry and upset over all these little things in my day. Seriously? People couldn't just walk 10 extra feet AROUND my room? Seriously? You can't keep food out for a bit longer for all those people who pay just as much as everyone else but have 1 longer class? Seriously? You left the plastic lid in the smoothie maker? Seriously? You just left without me and then didn't show up to where you said you'd be? Seriously mud? You had to claim me? As I walked back up to my room I thought about my Africa trip. This might sound awful, but it gave me comfort knowing my life really isn't as bad as I make it seem. Those poor African kids I'm going to go see in the Spring. I might never eat dinner because there's not food left over but at least I can eat lunch everyday! I might have ruined muddy shoes, but at least I have something on my feet. I got back to my room and fell on my last resort. Chocolate. And not just any chocolate, Chocolate Apothecary chocolate. Chocolate always makes things better. It's actually proven it gives you endorphins that make you happy. Pigged out on that for a while and then felt guilty because that was my dinner and none of it consisted of fruit or vegetables. To top it all off I tried to get on the internet to write all this out and get it off my chest but of course the stupid internet took 20 years to load. I'm not kidding, it took 20 minutes to get to this page. That's a lifetime!

Someone told me yesterday that all my blogs are negative and reading them makes them depressed. Well, to that I say, yes, a lot of them are negative, I'm not going to lie, but when I'm feeling like this, I'm compelled to write about it. It makes it go away a little bit. It helps me out. Maybe it makes you depressed, so don't read it. Anger, sadness, distress are all such strong emotions, you have to get rid of them somehow.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Appreciating the leftovers

I just got back from spending my homeleave working in the kitchen at Mivoden and I'm exhausted. It's a lot of work, and boring at times, but it's still fun. We prepare all the food, set it out in a neat orderly fashion on both sides of the serving counter and wait for the mad rush to come. You can tell by watching the head cook she's in a whirlwind of worries and ideas as she comes rushing through to make sure everything looks "pretty." "It's all about the pretty," she says. She double checks us to make sure we all have gloves on, our hair is pulled back, and our aprons are presentable. Then she asks us the final question, "Ready? Smile!" It's like a surge of adrenaline rushes through her as she gets excited for us to serve these hungry people and satisfy their needs. It makes me chuckle everytime. Something about it, so showy. It reminds me of my theatre producions. "Ready... action!" And the curtains are pulled back as we scramble to our places preparing to become our character. Apart of me is glad I'm finished with those times, but apart of me really misses them. The good part is, I look back on the many times I've been involved in a not so overly thrilling production and I'm actually glad I did it. I use to regret them, but they've given me so many more experiences and memories to reflect on.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Lipstick Streak

Tonight I saw the most BEAUTIFUL sunset! It started out like fire, bright orange and yellow with pink clouds lining the skyway. After 15 minutes the sun was bright red but the color wasn't seen as just a circle of fire. It was bright as lipstick, forming a streak across the hilly wheatfields of Spangle. And the thought of taking a long walk with a friend and talking about everything important in life, or going for a run and praying sounded very appealing to me. Instead I walked back to the dorm with nothing on my plate, no schedule, no homework, no place I had to be, nothing that had to be done, but many worries. So many confused girls, including me. Life is so incredible, so mysterious and adventurous. Full of exciting possibilities. Like a sunset, each day setting a new atmosphere, unique and special, stormy and clear, long and short, Outstanding.

Rainbows and Rainy Days

Everyone is pooping on my rainbow. When I get excited about something I get REALLY excited about it. When I get frustrated at something or impatient, I get really mad. I love this year, it's crazy fun, but at the same time, it's kind of sketch. So much is going on... I'm not sure I'm ready for all of it!
I hate making decisions.
I hate getting your hopes up for something and then totally having them crushed. I hate telling secrets and before you know it, EVERYONE knows it. Rainy days aren't always my favorite.
I'm singing somewhere over the rainbow tomorrow for amatuer hour auditions... what a song. I love the words. So very true!

When all the clouds darken up the skyway
There's a rainbow highway to be found
Leading from your window pane
Just a step beyond the rain

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then oh why can't I

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh, why can't I

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

i can't do this

I'm sitting on my dark hall alone. The faucet to the small bathroom is acting up tonight. It decides randomly now to turn on and drip huge, loud drips, so anyone on the hall, even with their door shut can hear the water scream as it runs down the drain. It's starting to drive me insane. My heart is heavy tonight. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's due to the fact that the Africa list was posted today, and my name IS on it. This means I have a HUGE decision to make. I hate decisions. I love the group of people on that list. It would be an incredible journey, I know it. I'm sure the choiraliers trip to New York to sing in the famous Fisher Hall would be great too. I don't know what to do... but then again, there's a side of me that knows exactly what I need to do, but it's going against everything that I've been told. Who knew that life could take two totally different routes just by a single decision. This one is going to have to be Gods.

Friday, October 8, 2010


It's like a never ending rainy day
It's like an awful movie
It's like a bee sting
It's like a wilting plant suffering from lack of sunshine
It's like gum in your hair
It's like crusty mud stuck on your skin
It's like a zit that keeps coming back
It's like a hot pepper in your mouth
It's like an eyelash growing into your eye
It's like a mosquito bite
It's like the ringing in your ears after a concert
It's like your favorite song ruined by a memory
It's like saying your last goodbye
It's like getting 2 hours of sleep the night before
It's like loosing your favorite pair of shoes
It's like crashing a car
It's like a dog returning to it's throw up
It's like an almost lover returning in your dreams
It's like your heart going against your head.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Debate of Freedom

Today I was in a debate, and can I just say I rocked it?!!! I don't know if I'm allowed to say that, but it was SO fun! I was totally unprepared! I had no idea how it was going to go. I had been stressing about it all day, I hadn't even ran through it out loud so I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out, but it went very smoothly. First each team had a member introduce us and explain what we were debating and how we personaly felt about the issue. I was the only person on our team of 4 who was titled pro-choice in this real life issue. The pro-choicers started with their arguments. Then Elise, my partner in crime, went and gave all the statistics and facts about abortion. Then the Pro-choicers said another argument. And then it was my turn to debate pro-life.
I started with how Hillary Clinton believes that if we physically go in, turn the baby's head so the feet are born first, and the doctors kill the baby before the head comes out it's ok, and not considered murder. BUT, if the baby's head comes out first and THEN they kill the baby, that doctor would be sent to prison for murder. Anyone with a conscience is disgusted by this and KNOWS it's wrong. At 2 weeks the "fetus" can move alone. At 4 weeks the babe has limbs, muscle tissue, and a heart with a heartbeat. By the 5th week ears, eyes, and small hands are visible. The child responds to touch by the 6th or 7th week. The baby sometimes tries to take a breath when removed from the mother after 8 weeks. And finally at 12 weeks the child will struggle for life for 2 or 3 hours after being removed from the mother. Now tell me this "fetus" isn't alive.
In reference to pregnant women, the term "with child" occurs 26 times in the Bible. The term "with fetus" never occurs once. In Luke 1:36-41 Elizabeth conceived a son and the "babe" leaped in her womb. The Bible does not say that a "fetus" leaped in her womb. It says the "babe" LEAPED. This is the exact same word the Bible uses to describe Christ in the manger AFTER he is born (Luke 2:12,16). A newborn babe and an unborn babe are the same!
Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you. Before you were born, I set you apart for a special work. I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." God can use that child for His work! He planned that child's life!
Psalms: 22:9 "You had my mother give birth to me. You made me trust you while I was just a baby."
Exodus 21: 22-23 "Suppose two men are fighting and hit a pregnant woman, causeing the baby to come out. If there is no further injury, the man who caused the accident must pay money- whatever amount the woman's husband says and the court allows. But if there is further injury, then the punishment that must be paid is LIFE FOR LIFE." Murdering a baby in the womb is equal to murdering ANY life.
Then I went and sat back down on my teams side. The pro-choicers had one last chance to win it, and they went up and said their final remarks. The oponent said "God is the judge" multiple times. So, I agreed, yes God is the judge.
I went back up to put our last 2 cents in and ended the debate with this:
Romans 9:19-24 "God is sovereign. He has ultimate authority over life and death. In life or in death, we are the Lord's." As the oponent said before, yes, God is the judge. God has the authority to give life, He should be the only one with the ability to take it away.
When we finished everyone told me how impressed they were. I got compliments like, "You should be on a debate team." "You were so agressive." "I really like the "babe" fact, I never really thought about that." "You got up there and slapped them around." Of course I just laughed at all of them. The thing I find funny is, I'm pro-choice but my arguments where so "agressive." Like I was for real trying to prove my point. And I was, I think killing a baby is murder, and it is wrong. But besides the fact that if we took it away, mothers would find dangerous ways to kill the baby and end up hurting themselves in the process, I don't think we should take away the CHOICE that American people are given. This is a personal belief that the bill of rights holds firmly in place. We can't take it away for fear we lose our own freedom. What would America become?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

This morning in A&P class we watched a movie about the emotional side of an adult's brain. The person behind me was hacking up a storm. I could feel the sickness floating through the air onto the back of my curly hair. I held my breath, and tried not to breathe in, but it's almost impossible to hold it for the continuous amount of time she was coughing. Big, deep, sickining coughs... like the kind where you almost throw up. I knew I was going to get sick. And with Amateur Hour just around the corner, and choraliers tour where I sing my solo's in octet next weekend, I really can't afford it. I remember thinking "I'M GOING TO DIE!" Really, I just wanted to get out of that place! Later in the day I actually started feeling a sore throat. Sheesh! I was not a happy camper! Please, if you're sick in class, cough DOWN into your SLEEVE. Please wash your hands more often than normal, and don't stay up late partying.

Early Morning 50's Hair

I woke up at 7:25 to help a girl with her hair this morning because she had to make it look 50's for her 20th presentation. She was suppose to be at work by 8:00 but of course she was late to my room and arrived at 7:55. It took me 10 minutes to pin her mass of curls up to the back of her head. And now it's 8:08. I don't have class until 9:39... I don't want to go back to sleep because I probably will just end up laying in bed wide awake, I've been up for almost an hour already. Don't get me wrong I'm pretty sleepy, but I'm not sure going back to bed would solve the probelm. I feel like I do a lot of little extra things on the side that I'm never recognized for. I mean come on, I woke up more than an hour earlier than I need too, just for 10 minutes. I hope it was worth it. Man, I hope she works that updo.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

the way it REALLY is...

I'm SO tired. And COLD. And TIRED... And grumpy! Sheesh! "Karalee!... Karalee! Karalee!" I just have this urge to turn to all of them and say in my biggest, loudest, most intimadating voice, "WHAT?!!!!" But of course I put that urge to rest and turn around gracefully with a small smile on my face and say, in the kindest voice I can muster, "yes?"

Wow. interupption from a girl on my hall at this very moment. How ironic.

I'm so tired of listening to girls complain about there life, or tell pointless stories to me, or say useless comments, and ask for help with homework. I feel like an awful person confessing all of this. I mean, it's my job to be there for these girls. ALL OF THEM! Even the R.A.'s! We're a team, we're suppose to help each other out and be there for support. But I'm just SO tired! Tired of the girls on my hall (don't get me wrong I love them all to death), tired of the freshman, tired of the R.A's, tired of the late night meetings, the dissapointments, frustrations, jealous looks in choiraliers, EVERYTHING that school is bringing! SO TIRED!

There's this little freshman girl that's getting on my nerves to the point that I'm not sure if I can take it anymore. Thank God I'm not Freshman R.A.! One random day at the beginning of the school year when I didn't even know her name, she was sweeping the cafe. She looked up at me and said, "Hi Karalee" and awkwardly gave me a hug... I haven't been able to get rid of her since. I know this sounds awful, but you don't understand. EVERYTIME I see her, or even if I don't see her, she just pops up from behind me and slides her hands around my waste in an embrace. EHHH! I'm not a touchy person. Hugs are a privelage in my book. I don't just hand them out. So getting a hug from her at LEAST 10 times a day is a bit of a stretch. I only hug my closest friends when I leave for homeleave! Sheesh!

I need a revival. Somewhere within needs to come a renewed strength. I need a break. This weekend is coming and I'm suppose to stay here and work, but I'm not sure I can make it that long!

I just pray somehow, sometime soon, God works his magic. And I mean FAST!

Friday, October 1, 2010


How can life be so good and so lame at the same time!? It's like we were meant for something more. But we'll never reach our full potential. Life is so unfair. If God is fair and just why does he sit back and watch us be. I don't understand. I don't know if I ever really will. I'm so tired of this. I hate lifes cycles. Striving and dissapointment. Well, isn't that just peachy.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

French Bread or Curly Fries?

Apparently when I french braid my hair, "it's so golden, that it looks like French bread, that's so good, I could just rip it off her head and eat it." That's what a couple of my girlfriends told me someone said about me. I just laughed. I've heard people say my hair looks like a carrot, or a tomotoe, or a pumpkin, but a loaf of bread? That one cracked me up. So last night after work, I took a shower and blow dried my hair just enough for Cassie to put some curlers in it... bad idea. I'm suffering from lack of sleep at this very moment. I don't know how you're suppose to sleep on those things! And in the morning I woke up and Cassie came to my room to take them out of my hair and laugh... I just know she knew what it was going to look like! She unrolled them and... BAM! There were my locks, bouncy and curly, but definitely so short it looked liked I'd cut my hair and I had a mullet. Yesiree, it was bad. I've been thinking of the right words to describe it all day, and I think I'd have to say it looks like a hurricane came, hit my head and never left. Today what did I get called? "Karalee fries" like "Curly fries"... special, I know. Wow. What a day.

P.S. The bread in the picture is actually Cardamon bread, it's braided and we actually eat this every Christmas... I guess I kind of see the resemblance now...

Friday, September 17, 2010

A Plantiful Life Lesson

Once upon a time, I told a story. It went like this:
I have this plant that sits on my window sill. See, the side facing the sun is healthy, and growing taller, brighter and greener. But the side facing my room is wilty, and almost falling completely over in defeat. Every morning I rotate it so the side that's prospering and recieving all the nourishment from the sun can share in the droopy dark side. It's the plants life cycle. In order for the plant to survive I have to remember to turn it around everyday. You see, as long as we're pointed toward the Son, we'll make it.

Slumber Party

We stayed up until 1 AM last night. We were all done with R.A. work, but we couldn't sleep because that's the rules at a slumber party. We're all tired, but you don't want to be the first one to fall into unconscious sleep, so we felt the need to stay up and talk like girls do at slumber parties. We talked about boys, we wrote warm fuzzies, we told stories, we played hot or not with the Like it Looks, and then we played dress up changing hairstyles, picking out clothes, and trying on each pair of my clip on earings trying to decide our favorite. Of course we hadn't done any homework all day and we knew that's what we SHOULD have been doing. But Senioritis has kicked in early, and for now all that matters is slumber parties.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

blowing bubbles in the rain

It rained today. It's week of prayer this week. After tonights meeting Cassie and I walked over to Pastor Fred's car climbed in the back trunk and waited for the chance to scare the bjibes out of him. It was dark. Cassie called her mom. Her mom told us about the waffles with blueberries she was eating. Our mouths were watering, it was torture. And we were jealous. We sat in the car for 30 min waiting for Pastor Fred to get in his car and drive home. We got a phone call from Anisha. She said we were missing the R.A. meeting right now and we needed to head back. We climbed over the seat... lights on, skirts coming up and all. We walked back to the dorm in the rain. I told Cassie about the day in 4th grade when I talked back to the teacher. I was crying and walking away from her. I remember it clearly, she told me sternly, "Young lady if you take one more step I'm sending you to the principal's office." I took one more step and turned around, tears flowing down my face. I've always been a trouble making kid. I use to like to get into fights. I always got into trouble, but not really bad trouble. But at the same time, I've always been the teachers pet. Go figure. I realized that tonight. In the rain. That's apart of who I am. From my past, and too the present. I still am. I'm glad I'm starting to figure this out. Now I can just keep blowing bubbles for the rest of my life. And that's how I feel about that.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Seniors Survival was not at all like I expected. It was a lot of time spent sitting on a log listening to the prophecies of Revelation. We learned how to survive in the wilderness. It was bonding in groups of A, B, or C, but not so much as a whole, as a class. People kept saying how they never expected it to happen the way it did. It was so much better and the presence of God was all around them. I remember one kid clearly saying how he had never imagined it to be this way, he thought it was going to be like a pathfinder outing, not nearly as powerful as it was for him. I absolutely LOVE hearing those words come from his mouth, it was probably one of my big highlights from the trip, but really. Why couldn't my experience be the same? I felt hardly any connection to God at all. Like the wires to heaven had been cut off. I thought that would be impossible with people seeing and feeling God left and right. And there I am, in the middle of the crowd with nothing. Empty. How can you be in the presence of God and not feel it or know it, but catch glimpses into the lives of others where God dwells. When is it my turn? I want it desperately, but it's just not there. We learned what wild plants we could eat, we learned about first aid, we built forts, and fires. My group won the contest on who could build the fastest fire, I've had lots of practice in that area. Where's the fire I was suppose to bring back to campus? I only have a few days left to get a clear answer. I feel rushed, I need an answer now. I'm so desperate, if only for a spark.