Friday, April 30, 2010

Ruin It

Part I
I’m on a bus on my way back to school from Alaska. I’m running on, maybe three hours of sleep, so bare with me. My gymnastics team went on a tour for a week to Anchorage, Alaska. We traveled around to a whole bunch of different schools to put on shows.
Unfortunately for me, I got hurt on the first show. I’m in a pyramid where I get picked up and tossed onto the shoulders of two other people. Something went wrong when they tossed me and I flew crooked and lost my balance and fell off sideways. I fell head first onto the ground. No one caught me and after that I seriously doubted my trust in the team. I was really scared to try it again. I had a massive headache, and pain slowly started to spread to my neck, shoulders and down my back. I’m still pretty sore.
I didn’t understand why no one caught me. I seemed to be falling towards people and they actually moved out of the way! What kind of team is that? Where was my tossing pod? They didn’t run to catch me and I didn’t even land far from where they were. If they would’ve taken
two steps everything would’ve been alright. Thanks for watching me fall guys. Way to care. Way to let me down… literally. Way to ruin my trust in you. Way to be a team.

4/27/10

Strength of an Army in a Finger


I wish I was strong.

I wish it was true, I really could tap that barn over with my finger.

I wish I could run 500 miles without getting weary.

I wish I had super strength like the hulk and could pick up anything I dared.

I wish I never cried.

I wish sleep never claimed me.

I wish I never got tired of doing homework.

I wish I never ran low on energy.

I wish late nights didn’t kill me the next day in class.

I wish chemistry was a breeze.

I wish I could rock climb Mount Everest.

I wish I understood.

I wish I knew exactly who I was and my character never suffered.

I wish for strength to get me through this last quarter, let alone this day.

I wish…

God give me Strength.

4/20/10

A New Day


We were planted next to each other. It was exciting. The sun shone and we grew. We bloomed.

It’s night time now. Very cold and dark. We’ve closed ourselves up for the night. I hate it like this. I don’t understand why night came and we had to change. I hate the dark.

I’m waiting for the sun to rise, and my request for an invitation of friendship to be extended once again.

New day please come quickly.

Let’s grow. Let’s bloom together again friend.

4/19/10

Words

This blog is just words on a page.
Just my thoughts.
Sometimes things I wish I would’ve said, or things I want to say.

Just words. My words.
And I think, why would anyone care what I have to say? They’re just words, formed nicely on a page.

But sometimes, those words, those thoughts, those emotions expressed, are so much more than just words. Reading someone else’s thoughts, ideas, stories, and emotions, can be such an inspiration. It can touch someone so deeply, even if the words I’m describing have nothing to do with your story, and you don’t know the people or the places I’m talking about. But when you’ve experienced the same feelings, something clicks. Connection automatically takes place. When you know that someone else out there knows exactly the way you feel and you’re not alone.
Relief.
Connection.

Just Words.

4/19/10

Homesick

This last week has been really rough. It made me homesick. The most I’ve been since I’ve been stuck here, all year.

I’ve dug a hole bigger than myself, and now I’m trapped. I want to get out of this place!

I was fortunate enough to have my parents come pick me up Sabbath afternoon, take me out for lunch and then walk around Riverfront Park. It was a great day, but it ended too soon and I dreaded coming back.

It’s gross, gloomy, and grimy in this scary, dark, depressing place.

I don’t want to be here today. I hate the attitude I have. I want to enjoy every second of life but I can’t force myself out of this rut I’ve found myself stuck in.

I’m a mess. Dirty, sticky, tired, lonely… sick.

I just want to go home.

4/19/10

Running


Yesterday I went running, faster and farther than I ever have here at school. It was such a gorgeous day. The sun was shining and just standing outside you could get hot. As I started to run I couldn’t wait to get away from this place. I was enjoying watching the scenery change with every curve in the road. I passed barns, cows, houses, a cat cemetery (weird, I know), trees, more barns, dirt roads, and lots of endless hills. It was beautiful with the sun shining on my back.

I always run down the road as far as I can go. Once I feel myself getting exhausted and ready to shut down, I turn around, and head back. This is always a difficult challenge for myself, but yesterday was the worst. I hated the idea of returning back to the school. The sun beat it’s rays across my face. Sweat rolled off my forehead. I couldn’t get the idea of quitting out of my mind. I was exhausted and ready to give up. I continued on, counting the curves in the road to see how many were left.

I got to thinking… If I stop now when I get back I’ll be very disappointed in myself. This is the most critical part of the whole run. If I give up what does that say about my character? If I keep pushing I’ll gain a lot more from this run. Endurance, determination, muscle, a sense of accomplishment, relief, strength… I won’t return empty handed. I have to keep pushing. Only a mile left…

Sometimes the hardest times in life are the most critical. It’s how you respond in these moments that build your character. Sometimes God tests you to see how much you can endure, to help you grow, to make you stronger. Don’t give up. Push harder. Press on. Trust me, you won’t return disappointed.

Written 4/16/10

Fast


Taking breaks are good. Spring break was refreshing. Sabbaths are special. This weekend will be nice. Alaska trip is in a couple weeks.

Sometimes it’s nice to get away… from school, people, homework… the place.

It’s good to fast. But we don’t want to starve these things. We need education, we need a home, we need relationships.

Fasting has a benefit. The purpose of fasting is to refocus. Decide your priorities in life and spend time with God discussing it.

When you starve you’ll eventually shrivel up… and die.

Fast… take away things, get a break from them… but only for a time.

Written 4/9/10

Friday, April 9, 2010

Free


As I was sitting at work today I looked up from my books for a brief moment and saw a kid walking from the cafĂ© to the boys dorm. I watched him as he walked alone. I’m not sure what he was doing… dancing? pretending to fly? Did he know people could see him?
I started to envy this kid I’ve only briefly talked to this year. He looked so… free.

Like he had all the time in the world and not a care on his mind.

Like his only purpose in life was to enjoy all God had blessed him with.

Like today was the best day of his life.

Did he know what’s happening in the world? People are throwing up on sick list, today was the “No Shoe Day” to raise awareness for people without shoes, without food, without family… people are still suffering from recent earthquakes… people need help.

I leaned my elbow on the desk and rested my chin on my closed fist, pondering what it would feel like to live this way… free.

No stress, no homework, no tests, no worries, no enemies, no rush…

I caught a glimpse.
To be free…



The phone rang.
Reality set in.

Written 4/8/10

Pity for "Love"

“…God has left the world unfinished. And with every action, we’re continuing the ongoing creation of the world. The question is, What kind of world are we creating?” -Rob Bell

Last night I had to sub for an R.A. because the seniors are all gone to Walla Walla. I don’t have a phone, so I was borrowing Shay’s to text a friend and find out when we could work on Chemistry together. I also had to study for an English test that was today. It’s a tradition to either have a shower party or meet in Shay’s room and study vocabulary for our test together, but since I had to monitor the halls Shay came down to sit with me. It just so happened that me and the friend I was texting got into a good conversation, so while I was trying to text and study at the same time, Shayla was getting bored, and tired of waiting for me to finish because, let’s just say I’m not the best multi-tasker. She grabbed the phone from my hands and shoved it down her shirt. I tackled her to the ground and I struggled for the phone. She finally challenged me, “If you say you love him I’ll give it back.” I thought about it, and honestly what difference would it make, you can say things and not mean them. “Ok, fine, I love him.” She stared at me with a shocked look and an open jaw as I snatched the phone from her hands. She couldn’t believe I had actually said it. Obviously the word love has a much bigger meaning to her than it does to me.
I’ve never been in love, I don’t even know what love is. You’d think it would be the other way around, I would be the one who took the word love so seriously considering I’ve never dated anyone, and she’s had multiple boyfriends. With each one I hear the same thing, “I think I’m in love!” I just roll my eyes and wonder what she’ll think about this once she actually “falls in love.” How silly she’ll feel.
I hate that love has lost it’s full meaning. It doesn’t carry all the respect it should. It’s totally lost it’s pizzazz! How many times do we hear, “I just love those shoes!” Or, “I’m in love with him!” after two weeks of knowing him. What about “I love yellow!” “I love basketball!” “I love Sabbath.” (signed) “Love, Karalee”…. “love it!”
I hate the word love. It seems like an awful thing to say, but I want it to mean so much more than it does. I want it to reach it’s full potential, all that it’s meant to say. This world has totally dumbed the meaning down… and I guess I’ve given up on trying to fix that, and return to it it’s meaning. And when that day comes (if it ever does), and I actually DO “fall in love,” I’ll be looking for a much better word to describe it. “Love” isn‘t satisfying.
….
The only way I find that love reaches it’s full potential is when it’s proclaimed “God is Love.” How can God be love if love isn’t something incredibly spectacular? Only through God is Love restored… much like the rest of the world.

Written 4/6/10