Thursday, March 31, 2011

I don't want to be here, that's all I can say.

I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be here.

I got on that plane without a choice. I can't take it. I sat through my classes today, and I was fine. Until Bible. Of all classes, BIBLE! SMACK! One huge stack of papers slammed on my desk. Financial videos to make up, 20 paged packets, 3 tests in the mix, and a stock project, and we call this Bible. Don't get me wrong learning how to deal with finances are important, but for Bible? This trip has opened my eyes to just how valuable life is. There are much more important things in life than money.

I couldn't take it. I cried. I cried in my piano practice room, so I called my mom. I cried. I went to Mrs. Lacey's office to drop piano. I thought I could make it, but then she made the comment on how puffy my eyes were... and so I cried. I returned to my room and let it out. I cried. I shook in agony until there was hardly anything left. I didn't think I would be able to make it through the day. And I tell everyone that asks about my puffy swollen eyes and beat red face that I'm tired, and sunburned, in hopes that they won't ask any more questions. And if they do I tell them I'm stressed out by the amount of homework and how little time I have to finish it all.

But even more than that, I don't want to be here. My heart is in Africa. I never fully realized it until I left.

We were leaving Omatako, the small boarding academy we visited to build a school and put on VBS for the kids. I said goodbye to all the kids, and then there was Maria. There are only a few kids that I had a special connection with that really stand out in my mind. Maria is one of them. Everyone loved her, I don't know how you couldn't. I picked her up in a giant hug and clung to her. She put her hand around my head and pulled it to her shoulder. Her grasp was tight and I knew she didn't want to let go either. I stood there holding the small girl. Most everyone else was in the vans ready to hit the road. A small tear formed in my eye and slid down my cheek.

I don't want to go.

I couldn't help but think I would never see her again. I don't know what kind of life she would have, how old she would live to be, would she be happy?

I can't hold it in any longer. I miss Maria. I miss the laughter from the kids. I miss the church service. I miss the music. I miss the work. I miss VBS. I miss soccer. I miss the language lessons. I miss the sunshine. I miss the late nights and early mornings. I miss the deep conversations next to the fire. I miss bartering. I miss the bright stars. I even miss the soup and bread. I miss the rain brought by the lightning and thunder clouds. I miss the hugs. I miss the dancing. I miss the sound of the waves crashing on the beach. I miss the sunrise on the dunes. I miss it all so much!

And my heart cries out.

Take me back!

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