Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
I've learned tranquility despite desperate matters.
I don't care if I share my glass of water with a friend anymore, we can even eat off the same spoon.
Sleeping in the same sheets doesn't disgust me anymore.
Going a night without brushing my teeth or washing my face isn't extremely horrifying.
I guess gross isn't AS gross anymore... although I don't prefer it, I've learned to deal with it.
Who cares about the glares from the manager of the store when you put on a pair of rollerblades without socks?
Unflattering clothes and bed head hair are the consequences of late nights.
10:00 PM bed time slowly developed into 2:00 AM.
Waking up 30 min before class rather than an hour is sufficient.
I know what it feels like to go into a test without studying.
Averaging a B on Marine Bio tests is ok.
Starting and finishing a project the day it's due is possible.
Winging speeches and worships are sometimes entertaining.
Breaking a few rules here and there can't be THAT bad.
Going on bike rides instead of doing crucial homework actually relieves stress...
Thank you friends, for the life lessons I so desperatly needed to learn.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
"1, 2, 3,
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me!"
"Good! And again!"
So I sung it again. Looking out into the black audience beyond the piano, made me think of Seniors rec and miss it. I'm in a music video. And now I feel famous. I think being a "celebrity" for a couple hours is sweet! Maybe it's my calling... but, I'll take what I can get.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
and yet, sometimes i wonder if i am still alive.
how do you doubt the pounding pulse in your very own chest?
and yet, i do.
nothing seems real. a tangled, meshed, fantasy.
and yet, it is.
am i real? can you sense warm blood in my veins?
and yet, it seems you can’t.
maybe i am non-existent in a sense. i don't feel.
and yet, i suffer.
observe the throbbing. thump thump. thump thump.
and yet, no sympathy or change of heart.
the bible says to accept the bad, and embrace what you've been given.
and yet, i can't.
accepting is like ripping your heart out and twisting.
and yet, it happens.
Monday, May 16, 2011
We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly.
We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish
in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward,
forward, or fix us in the present.
We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I enjoy doing homework today as I sit outside and soak in the sun. I smell the scent of the freshly mowed grass beneath my lawn chair. The sun is hot, but the breeze keeps me cool. I can hear a bird whistle off in the distance, and the trees from the forest rustle in the wind. Misti, my dog, is jumping in circles going after the bug that keeps flying past her face. Flowers are just beginning to pop up from under the earth and I feel so much life around me. The jazzy tunes coming from my laptop keep me in a good mood as I continue to work on my writing assigments. I'm thinking about taking a break and going for a fourwheeler ride across the road on the trails. Or maybe I should go into town, work on homework at a coffee shop and then later meet up with a friend. Or maybe, now that all of a sudden the clouds rolled in, the sun is almost gone, and the mosquito's are eating me alive, I'll just move inside.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
My heart flutters to the fullness of music. A deep, and gutsy essence wells up within me, then spills out in song.
I listened to a song today that I hadn't heard since Winter. Bam. Bam. Bam. My heart plunged. At the climax of the song, I thought I would burst with delight of promise. Long forgotten impassion evoked my senses.
I want to bring it back, relive it. So I press play again. It soothes, calms, and quenches my starving heart.
Monday, May 9, 2011
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
Photo Credit: Logan Carter
Sunday, May 8, 2011
I learned a lot. I've come to the conculsion that everyday I'm constantly learning. Learning by observance about people, and life outside my secluded world in general. But even more than that, I'm constantly learning about myself. I'm always thinking, always making decisions, always negotiating and bargaining, always breaking things down, and always coming to conclusions.
Spending yesterday afternoon and this morning in Walla Walla got me to thinking about next year a lot. I'm going to be on my own for real. Finally given the chance to be my own person, or maybe I've just finally come to realize I AM my own person, and walking outside of the line IS ok, actually kind of fun. No one can tell me who I am or who I should be. I feel daring and adventurous. I don't have to follow so close behind, or live through other people's experiences, but I finally feel free to experience things for myself.
Yes. I feel so liberated! It's good. But it scares me.
These are my weekend conclusions:
1.) I have changed a LOT this year.
2.) I AM adventurous (though I might have you fooled).
3.) I LOVE a little bit of risk invovled.
4.) Memories are my favorite things to make.
5.) Doing crazy things makes me feel alive.
6.) I love being real with others (though sometimes I'm a bit scared).
7.) I don't worry so much anymore about the little things.
8.) I get easily frusterated with worriers.
9.) Jealousy totally ruins my fun.
10.) Family time makes me feel young again.
11.) I have a lot of decisions to make next year.
12.) I'm scared to date, but at the same time I'm scared I'll never date.
13.) I love my friends.
14.) I'm running out of life.
15.) No one can define me!
16.) The future scares me.
17.) God is a blur.
18.) I'm not ready to graduate.
19.) If I don't take what I've learned and apply it to my life, I've really learned nothing at all.
20.) I am SOOOO ready to start living!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
As I walked by, I half said it to myself, half loud enough for them to hear, "You just keep on running."
They both looked at me, and then back to each other.
"Yep," the experienced girl said. "That's basically it. I don't know what else to say, you just have to keep on running."
This seems like a pretty insignificant conversation, but as I look back on it now, it has so much meaning.
Last night I was talking to a good friend about our spirituality. We both feel pretty desperate. Eager for a change, for a chance to feel alive in the world, a chance to feel God close. The only difference between us is the fact that one of us is still searching and seeking God's face, and the other has accepted the fact that God chooses not to be found. The desolate wall is set before us, and in the back of my mind a whipser lingers on,"just keep on running!"
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I think about all the kids we left behind. How are they? Are they making it? Are they healthy? Are they in pain? Did they get to eat last night? Do they miss us as much as we miss them?
I only got a taste of the pain they struggle with everyday. I pray for them often, but I wonder if that's enough.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Yummy warm goodness in my tummy.
And the sun on my face.
It's a foggy delusion in my mind I wish I could return to. A dream I wish would never find its end.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Approx. 1 hr, 10 min.
I thank God for the blood I can feel pulsing through my veins, the ache in my legs, and the expierences with friends that let me feel so alive.
"...So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind and struggle for what is ahead. I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven..." Philippians 3:12-14