Friday, October 7, 2011

Torn

Entangled. Strangled. Tied down. Tugged. Pushed & pulled, pushed & pulled. Ripped. Cracked. When do I get a voice? And yes, it's nice to be "wanted", to be busy, to have options. But it's also brought me to the point of exhaustion, almost defeat. I am no superwoman. Someone pointed out perfection in my character this week. Me?! Look at me!
Today was a constant buzz, a blurr that I don't care to remember. I wished for the comfort of my home, a nap, soft piano music, coffee, a good book, and hot tubbing rather than the common familiarity of socializing.
When am I ever going to grow up? My sister is gone this weekend and I have the house all to myself. I am an adult. I am alone. Sometimes I have to remind myself, that I am "one of those" people now--"big cool kids" who look like they have it all figured out. I think it's time I have a say in what I want, right? I finally get to choose my frienships, where I go, the food I eat, and my bedtime. So what about this life discourages me to choose what I WANT.
I have a hard time saying "no" and when I get boggled down with 5 different requests in one night to come over for dinner, I get an overwhelming vibe. I WANT to do all of it, or really I WANT to do NONE of it, but I shoot for them all anyways. This week I actually had dinner twice in a row, one after the other, just so I could visit with friends. What do I WANT?
I DON'T want to dissapoint. I DON'T want to be alone, I want to be in on the action. That wasn't the case tonight, but I still didn't have a say in what I do, where I go, who I go with. It just happens. I'm setting myself up for disaster in the long run. The longer I go without a break, the harder I'm going to hit rock bottom.
Rock bottom sounds pretty rough, like you have to be pretty tough to hit it without scratches. So I keep reminding myself that I am an adult. I have a say in what I do, and where I go, and who I go with. It is my choice. Risk the dissapointment. Say "no". Stay strong. It's the only way to stay on top of the rock--bold existance.

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