Saturday, January 28, 2012

impulse and logic

Time passes quickly, yet transitions are slow.
Words struggle to keep from bursting out my mouth.
Feet battle the urge to run to my car and press the pedal to the floor.
Mind wrestles thoughts back and forth.
Heart squirms inside my chest.
Impulse.
Logic.
I force myself to stay home tonight,
Sit in silence
And wait.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Becoming

We cannot become what we want to be by remaining what we are.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Ice Cream, Snacks, and Starbucks.

I remember being little and going to the doctor so they could stick a cotton swab down my throat and officially pronounce the verdict: Strep throat. I didn't need to go through that experience to know it. Trust me, if you've had strep before, you KNOW if you ever have it again. I would keep my mouth closed for as long as I could. Once the doctor got tired of playing the game and started to get grouchy, I'd give into opening it. I would pull away before the stick got even close to touching my tonsils. Even just the thought made me want to gag. Finally my mom would say, "Karalee, if you open up and let the doctor do what she needs to do, we'll go get ice cream after this." Just the thing for a sick kid, right? I'd immediately give in and tough it out. Funny how that works when you're a kid.

Monday I took the kids out to meet their parents after school as usual. They were rambunctious and awful rowdy, running, tugging, hiding and pushing each other around. I couldn't understand the point of their game... it looked pretty dangerous to me. Emma, my favorite student (but no teacher has favorites right?), ran over to me and said rather sorrowfully, "Look at me. I'm all wet. They pushed me in the puddle." I looked down at her pants, saggy from the weight of the water. Her long, white sleeves looked wet and splashed with mud.
"Are you ok?" I asked.
She looked to the ground and I thought she might cry. I put my arm around her and she looked up after a while and said, "Yeah, I'm ok." Like any tough girl would. The boys that had pushed her felt the need to come over and put their two cents in, full of excuses.
"Well she was pushing ME!" and "She started it!" I never accused anyone, but I knew it was an accident, and Emma had just slipped from the playful push.
I took the kids to after school care, and as I stood in line waiting for them to get checked in, Gabrielle spoke up, "Are you ok Emma? It was just horrible what those boys did to you. If I had money I'd buy you a snack." Apparently snacks fix everything at that age. A smile slid across my face.
If only life were that simple! Could someone PLEASE give me SOMETHING to make up for the HORRIBLE SINS in the world. Just to take them away! To help me give them up and let them go! OUT OF MY SIGHT! If only the world still worked like that... I'd like Starbucks please.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Tough as Nails

This morning I couldn't focus on my homework. I had just waited an hour for my clothes in the washing machine and as I tossed them into the dryer and pressed start, I realized I'd never put soap in. DANG. So I stopped the dryer, and threw them back into the wash. I added soap and sat down at the table to work on more homework. I couldn't focus. I was so angry about wasting my time. What were you thinking Karalee? GAH! Obviously you WEREN'T thinking. My mind was bombarded with all the horrible things that happened in the week. The last thing I wanted to do was homework. I HATE homework. So I stopped. I pulled out a small piece of green paper and wrote GOOD LIVIN' at the top. I wrote all the things that I am thankful for in this last week. Turns out the good outweighed the bad. And when I hung it on my fridge, I was encouraged by the other things I found. I knew they'd come in handy some day!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Blue Door

You never know how much you had until it walks out your front door, gone for good.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Hiding Behind Blankets

A haunting memory lurks in my mind tonight. A little girl, about 5, curled up securely in her bed. The blankets pulled tightly over her shoulders, hiding her from reality, protecting her from truth. The pillow she rests her head on soaked with tears. Her runny nose making her face and blankets messy. She can hardly open her puffy, swollen, red eyes, let alone see through them. She lays there for hours-on-end, sobbing, shaking, huddled into a ball, trying with everything she's got to pull herself together.
Some days I wonder if that little girl ever made it out of her bed.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Peaceful Morning

I woke up at 6, did my morning routine and stretched, threw on my long spandex, some mittens, and grabbed my watch, key, and ipod and ran out the door. A shock of cold hit me, but it didn't take me long to get use to it. The moon was shining, and the stars were bright, making me wonder if my watch was right. It was too quiet. Could someone be pulling a prank on me? It's probably 4 in the morning, such an unearthly time to be awake. The ground was covered in a layer of white and when I got out of my neighborhood and onto sidewalk I could see footsteps. Some were wide and clean, while others were shorter and looked like their feet had been dragging. I'm sure someone probably already ran here this morning. It was incredibly peaceful. Out to my left were city lights glowing brightly down the hill. Erin McCarly, A Fine Frenzy, and Ingrid Michaelson could not have been a better choice for the atmosphere. SO beautiful. By 7 when I headed back, the dark clouds were starting to clear and be replaced by a lit sky, the moon was still out and shining, but I could tell the sun would be up soon. I can't wait till the sun starts to rise at 6, I'll be there! And now I have an excuse for chocolate milk, because it's good for you after you run, you know. Time for Stacey Kent, a shower and a smoothie before class at 8.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

One Life to Live, One Life to Give

Cultural assumption, others' opinions, and personal preferences about what we should do with our lives have a way of accumulating like sediment on the original foundation.
What IS my original foundation?
What do I want to do with my one life?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Silence in Souls

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature -trees, flowers, grass- grow in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...
We need silence to be able to touch souls.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Father Knows

When that ball rolls out into the middle of the street, we don't think twice about running out and grabbing it, but our Father holds us back, keeping us from the danger lurking just around the corner. Not understanding, we kick and scream, and cry to go out and get our cherished toy, but our Father knows better. The car passes. And in the midst of the chaos and confusion, the truth remains the same --The Father Knows.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Alone

It's Sabbath. The day everyone looks forward to. You sleep in, you go to church, eat a big lunch, go on walks, catch up with friends, it's like a big party all day. No homework, no work, no anything that's not fun, right?
And today was nice. I woke up at 8:30, I went to church, I ate a big meal. But, I sat in the very back pew of church and I've probably only said about 100 words since I woke up this morning. And now while everyone is out, busy enjoying their sabbath, I find myself alone in my little house, wishing for a friend. I sort of feel like crying, but there's nothing to cry about. So I guess I'll go for a walk by myself. Or bake something for my breakfast tomorrow. Or try to take a nap, even though I'm not the least bit sleepy. I guess my challenge for today is trying to see the beauty in being alone.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Stay Chill


Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Embrace the mess.
It's adding to the design.
It's art.
It's beautiful.
Stay chill.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Hold My Hand

Over break I stayed at Shannon's house for the weekend and we would go over to her grandparents house to hot tubb and cook. We showed up, unannounced Sunday evening to find her two little cousins visiting Grandpa and Grandma. You could tell those kids had too much energy, and they were sucking the life out of Shannon's grandparents. So we took them for a bit and played hide and seek. The little one stuck her hands in the air to tell me she wanted me to carry her, then she pointed at where we should hide. We hid in a small closet with hardly enough room for her, let alone me. The next time, we hid in the bathroom behind the door. Pretty soon Belle, the older one was pulling on my hand shouting, "Come hide with MEEEE now! Come hide!!!" So we trekked up the stairs, into the dark closet. A random blanket was lying in the corner, so I grabbed it and pulled it over us. We huddled close together and sat in a vast silence.
Anticipating.
Fearing.
Waiting --to be found.
She suddenly grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight.
We stayed in that position until the two seekers finally burst through the door, turned on the light, and pulled off the covers. Then we laughed and laughed.

I'm thankful for those people in my life that squeeze my hand, just at the right time. I trust that they won't let go even through the longest wait. They encourage and support me through the darkest times, holding tightly, gripping firmly to the faith that I WILL be found. And then we'll laugh and laugh.