Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
I don't want to be the person I've always fought to be.
Every single day of my life has been spent training myself to hide.
Hide all anger, hide any sadness, hide confusion, hide struggles, hide myself with a smile and a laugh.
I've practiced this for far too long, it's almost second nature.
All of a sudden, it just hit me today.
I don't want to be that person anymore.
That person that skips over the emotions. "Stoic" as I was told yesterday.
I think it's a coping mechanism. But I don't want to cope anymore, I just want to let it be, and know that it's ok to not be so hard. When the main character in the movie dies, it's ok to feel the loss. And if my dog died last week, it's expected to be sad. If my campers at camp tell me a gut-wrenching story, I can cry with them.
Being "tough" isn't always necessary, but I feel it's the easiest way out of the chaos. Just not letting yourself feel anymore than possible, so no more heartbreak can touch you.
It's hard to feel. The hardest thing in the world to me.
This is my new challenge.
To embrace the emotions given in each new day. To allow and grant myself the power to feel and absorb them. I think this is part of living life to the fullest in every sense.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
“No. I give you good price.”
“Ok, fine. I will lower it 5 Namibia dollars. Take.”
“No. I can find it for much cheaper somewhere else. That’s ridiculous.” I started to walk away with high hopes that she would change her mind. It worked for everyone else, why couldn’t I do it?
Ahhh! Good! She changed her mind! I turned back around to face her.
“Go, but you won’t find it for better price.”
“TWO MINUTES! TWO MINUTES BEFORE WE LOAD THE VANS!” Someone ran shouting down the road.
Uhhgg! How am I going to find something AND barter for it in two minutes! Shoot. I looked at the next shop, and wandered down the street searching for bows and arrows. Running out of time, and having no luck, I returned to the original “shop” that wanted too high of a price.
“Look, I have to go, so I’ll just take it.”
“No. Price goes up to original price.”
“WHAT?! No! That’s ridiculous!”
“You leave and did not take my good price. Price goes up.”
GAH!! Everyone was walking towards the vans. I paused, mad this women was playing me, and really upset that she was going to get her way and I was going to look like the American idiot. But I had so much extra money, this was our last stop to buy anything, and I had nothing for my brother yet, so I… “Ok. Fine. Here!” I shoved the money into her hands, grabbed the bow and arrows and quickly marched away. I didn’t stop to turn around and see the woman’s proud snicker of delight. She had won. I felt like such a loser. I'm horrible at this. I hate bartering. You're so naïve Karalee.
And it’s true. I am naïve. Sometimes you never know how much you really have until it’s gone. Those things you so easily let slip through your fingers. It’s those things that are usually so hard to get back.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Healing- process of curing or becoming well: curative, remedial, therapeutic, medicinal, curing.
Sometimes healing takes a few minutes, days, a week, a month, a year, 10 years…
A rather obnoxious girl in my 3rd and 4th grade classroom struggles for attention every waking minute of every day. She’s going through a phase where she steals things from her classmates. One of the boys in 4th grade was searching for his skittles, and asking the others if they’d seen any sign of them. The teacher walked over to the questionable girl and asked in a “don’t mess with me” sort of tone, “Krista, did you take Sean’s skittles?”
Krista looked away and said rather adamantly, “No.”
“Krista…” the teacher repeated.
“Ok, fine! I took them!” the girl blurted out. She began to cry, feeling the guilt, shame and regret building.
“Krista, you need to return the skittles to Sean,” said the teacher.
“Yes ma’am…” Krista grabbed the skittles from the confinement of her backpack pocket and walked to Sean, who was still madly searching every inch of the classroom. “Here’s your skittles Sean.” She said rather timidly as she held them out.
“OH! THANKS KRISTA!” Sean shouted with an astonishing smile, lighting up his face. “Where’d you find them?!”
“I took them.” Krista said shamefully.
“You TOOK them?” Sean paused, a bit puzzled. “But why would you TAKE them?” The smile slid from his face, and a look of hurt and confusion fell in its place.
“I just wanted some. I’m sorry.”
“OH KRISTA! If you wanted some, why didn’t you just say so!? HERE! HAVE SOME!” Sean beamed with delight as he poured a handful of skittles into Krista’s palm.
I remember the first time I felt anger towards a friend this school year. We got in a small argument and their words and actions hurt me. It brought tears to my eyes to even think about the person. Two days later I sat around the table with him eating Sabbath lunch and laughing and talking like old times, totally oblivious to our previous conversation. Forgive and forget. Move on and heal.
But sometimes healing takes a little longer than an explanation or two days to forget.An old friend and I were catching up last night. I told her all about the stitches I got this week, and she told me about the time she had to get staples in the temple of her head. Ouch. We both agreed the constant urge to itch is HORRIBLE! It’s hard to fight the temptation to itch them, but that’s what means the wound is healing. If we fall in the struggle to resist, we’ll pull up the stitches and ruin the healing process. Not only does healing take time, it takes discipline. The need to overcome the constant urge to interfere is huge. Our concentration has to be focused on standing by, with hope for healing to come quickly, and letting go of the force that drives us to meddle, and ultimately hinder the process. With healing comes peace, a sort of renewal and a clean plate, and what a wonderful peace that will be!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
All I can think about is SUMMER! I am EXTATIC! This summer is bound to be even better than my first! I really know what I’m getting myself into, I’ve already established relationships with the campers, and staff, my favorite 3rd and 4th graders are coming, I’m going to get my lifeguarding and my best friend got hired too! I can hardly stand to wait!
Talking for hours to Shannon on the phone about what to expect, and how much fun it is, gets us both pumped and brings back a flood of fond memories.
I remember lying out under the stars on warm nights with my feet hanging off the side of the dock into the cool water. The creaky sound of the dock as the waves shifted underneath it, rocking us back and forth, luring Elise and I to sleep. We’d see at least 1 shooting star every 10
minutes. It was incredible.
Leaving my girls with my sister at lunch and rushing to the kitchen to steal a watermelon and eat it on the dock with Syd every now and then.
Sleeping under the clear sky out on the deck with the girls or in the grass almost every night and waking up to the sun creeping over the hillside.
Midnight adventures with my campers and Jon, running around camp on a “secret mission” to discover secret treasure (AKA ice cream).
Worship on the dock.
Deep conversations in the hot tub.
Girl crying on the bathroom floor –with a heart wrenching story that changed my life.
Friday nights around the fire.
Raising the pants, woops I mean flag, before firebowl.
Hawaiian Haystacks and grasshopper pie on a Sabbath afternoon.
Eating disgusting food competitions with Timmy.
A little kids face after the sprayer in the the dish rooms hose popped off and water spewed everywhere.
4 mile runs everyday and a dip in the lake afterwards.
Coffee at morning camp council.
P90X with Alex and Caressa at 6.
Zip-lining, swimming, the giant swing, ultimate Frisbee, archery, praise group, special music, tanning, picnics, banquets, pranks, surfing, flash mob, medic, volleyball, ice cream, and THE KIDS.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
My best friend is in Mexico right now. My sister is in India. Two of my friends are on a cruise from Florida down to the Bahamas. One is leaving for Missouri in a few days, another to Seattle. Some are road tripping to Colorado. One is in Washington D.C., another to some exotic country far away, and it feels like a handful went down to California to rock climb, and visit family. A few are in Honduras on a mission trip and I’m sure some are probably in Guam or some island vacation like Hawaii. They’re ALL on vacation, and when they all get back I’m going to look even whiter than I feel.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Friday I went to the pool before I left for my drive back home. 3 laps and I had to take a break. SO OUT OF SHAPE! I could feel the guy standing next to me staring. Uhhhgg, I wanted to hold my breath and sink to the bottom of the pool to hide. He came closer and I looked over. He was an old man with gray hair, “Are you taking a swimming class?” He asked.
“No… just practicing! I wanted to, but they didn’t have intro to swimming this quarter. I’ve never really swam much, and I’ve just decided I want to get better.” I said with a smile.
“I was watching you and you’re putting way too much energy into it.” He sort of smiled and said, “You’re keeping your legs straight when you kick, and that’s working against your arms propelling you forward. You need to loosen up, and relax. It’s all in the ankles and the feet. Like this,” He moved his arms up and down in the water showing his technique. “It’s all in the feet. Like flippers.” He said with a smile. “What’s your name?”
“Nice to meet you Karalee. I’m Al. Al Wec.”
Wec... why does that sound so familiar? I thought.
“I started this facility in 1966 (or maybe it was 1967 I can’t remember). Yeah I know, I’m old. I use to teach swimming lessons here. It was fun.”
Whoa. Sheesh, this guy really knows what he’s talking about!
He asked me where I was from, and about school, and if I knew these people, and all about that… Then we got down to business. He told me about the timing of breathing. We practicing blowing bubbles in the water, apparently you breath out your mouth and this whole time I’d been breathing out my nose (shows how much I know). He told me once I got my breathing down it
would be a lot easier, more rhythmic and I wouldn’t be struggling for air so much. We practiced our kicking up against the wall. Then he watched me swim a lap. “You have a great stroke form, and your legs are looking better! You know, if you were to practice swimming the way you have been, you’d eventually get it down, and it would become easier once you new the right technique, but now you know, so learning will be easier. You’re well on your way to being an EXCELLENT swimmer!” He said with a grin. “Well Karalee, you might have to remind me of your name again in the future, but I’ll see you around. It was nice to meet you. Good luck, and enjoy your weekend!”
What a nice man! I hope I see him again when I go back to practice! I’m SO excited about swimming now. I actually really enjoy it. I’m going to get good. I am. I’m sticking to it this quarter. I’m going to get my lifeguarding for camp. I’m going to swim 3 times every week. Already I see improvement and that keeps me motivated! I’m so excited to go SWIM!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Madame Day holds classes every morning,
Professor Night lectures each evening.
Their words aren't heard,
Their voices aren't recorded,
But their silence fills the earth:
unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.
God makes a huge dome
for the sun --a super dome!
The morning sun's a new husband
leaping from his honeymoon bed,
The day breaking sun an athlete
racing to the tape.
That's how God's Word vaults across the skies
from sunrise to sunset,
Melting ice, scorching deserts,
warming hearts to faith.
The revelation of God is whole
and pulls our lives together.
The signposts of God are clear
and point out the right road.
The life-maps of God are right,
showing the way to JOY.
The directions of God are plain
and easy on the eyes.
God's reputation is TWENTY-FOUR CARAT GOLD,
with a lifetime guarantee.
The decisions of God are accurate
down to the nth degree.
God's Word is better than a diamond,
better than a diamond set between EMERALDS.
You'll like it better than strawberries in spring,
better than red, ripe strawberries.
There's more: God's Word warns us of danger
and directs us to hidden treasure.
Otherwise how will we find our way?
Or know when we play the fool?
Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!
Keep me from stupid sins,
from thinking I can take over your work;
Then I can start this day SUN-WASHED,
scrubbed clean of the grime of sin.
These are the words in my mouth;
these are what I chew on and pray.
Accept them when I place them
on the morning altar,
O God, my Altar-Rock,
Thursday, March 1, 2012
So you run from the old and search for the new. Or try to.
And you tell people over and over again, almost to try to make yourself believe it.
"There is relief."
But secretly you're still waiting for it to come.