Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Fighting Against It

I've come to a bold realization today.
I don't want to be the person I've always fought to be.
Every single day of my life has been spent training myself to hide.
Hide all anger, hide any sadness, hide confusion, hide struggles, hide myself with a smile and a laugh.
I've practiced this for far too long, it's almost second nature.
All of a sudden, it just hit me today.
I don't want to be that person anymore.
That person that skips over the emotions. "Stoic" as I was told yesterday.
I think it's a coping mechanism. But I don't want to cope anymore, I just want to let it be, and know that it's ok to not be so hard. When the main character in the movie dies, it's ok to feel the loss. And if my dog died last week, it's expected to be sad. If my campers at camp tell me a gut-wrenching story, I can cry with them.
Being "tough" isn't always necessary, but I feel it's the easiest way out of the chaos. Just not letting yourself feel anymore than possible, so no more heartbreak can touch you.
It's hard to feel. The hardest thing in the world to me.
This is my new challenge.
To embrace the emotions given in each new day. To allow and grant myself the power to feel and absorb them. I think this is part of living life to the fullest in every sense.

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