Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Growing Pains

My bone is broken, and my best friends heart is broken, and we joke that our brokeness is the tie that keeps us so strongly connected right now, but in a way, it really is.
Tonight she let go and said goodbye to a loved one, and I could tell it hurt her tremendously. She really cared. She loved.
She told me through tears that she knew what she had to do. She had to start building her bridge. Right now, things just look impossible to deal with, but once she builds her bridge, she can stand on top and look down at the river and be at peace with it. All the fun times they shared would turn from pain to a good memory.
She told me that all growing experiences involve some sort of pain, and love is one of the most beautiful experiences, but also the most detrimental of them all. To love sets yourself up to feel pain. But looking back on it, will reveal so much you'd never seen before. It's a learning process. It's a character growth builder.
Pain. My heart felt pain when I lost a friend at the beginning of the year. I felt pain when my plans for next school year came shattering to the ground last week. My leg feels pain every step I try to take. My heart feels pain as I struggle to rebuild a relationship lost from anger and words that cut deeply.
I've learned so much this year. I've grown so much this year. This school year has been one of the hardest of my life, but also one of the best. I have grown in so many ways. My bridge is slowly being built.
I am proud of myself, for enduring the pain. For standing on two feet as solid as I can, and holding my own.
My friend and I are going to stand on the bridge together one day, look down at the cool water and give thanks with peaceful hearts. Who knows, maybe we'll even leap in with laughter and shout full of joy.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Locks of Love

Best part of the day:
Cutting and "styling" Jon Gasikills long, dark and thick, wavy hair.
Also, I got my FIRST REAL pair of earrings today.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Feelin' the Love

Yesterday was a horrible day, but everyday I continue to be blessed by tremendous friends! I couldn't be more thankful, I honestly don't know what I would do without them... I guess we'll find out next year when I'm out on my own. Two of my best of friends tracked me down last night, surprised me with my favorite peanut butter smoothie, and made me giggle striaght silly. Then we watched the finale of our new favorite show. It's just one of those moments you don't forget, you know? You just know their hearts are so full of love. I really am going to miss these moments next year. Probably more than anything else.
Today I came home and found these flowers, with an incredibly encouraging note. What a friend! How inspiring! How kind! How thoughtful! It's moments like this that help pull back the mask blinding me from seeing the good in life, and help pour back lost love to replenish and nourish my burdened soul. Thank you!

The Secret Behind Job's Missiles.

Bad things happen to good people. It's a fact. And sometimes, bad things just keep happening. And sometimes people shake their heads and say, "Ok, this is the end.. this is all I can take. God wouldn't give me more than I can handle. God wouldn't send anything else." But it just keeps coming, and they begin to wonder when these missiles will stop firing.
And when they don't, stop that is, they try to look for the good in each shot. "This will help me learn patience... this will help me appreciate the little things in life... this shows me who my real friends are... this will only make me stronger in the long run (like muscles, hard things tear us down, but eventually build us up)..."
It reminds me of Job.
Job was a strong man. But he also had a strong faith.
What happens to those people who, are strong like Job, but lack faith?
I talked to a pastor yesterday who said some people don't actually NEED God, they're strong enough to do it on their own.
Whoa. That's a first. Never heard that out of a pastor's mouth. Interesting perspective... So what then, drives us to really NEED God if we're "fine" and we can do it on our own?
What was it about Job that pushed him to depend on God, when his whole world came crumbling? Why couldn't he do it on his own? Or why did he CHOOSE to keep believing in God? That secret could unlock so many doors...

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Yesterday

Traditional breakfast with Cassie -muffins, omlet, and smoothie.
And my favorite thing was learning a new Canadian tradition. A group of us went to Starbucks last night and drank coffee through these chocolate cookies called Tim Tams. BEST THING EVER! TIM TAM SLAM JAM!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Highlights:

Friday: SM Vespers. I might not have been able to carry a flag, but that didn't stop me from participating!
Sabbath: It was all SO good! Taught Sabbath school at the city church and sang special music with Justin and my sister. I was going to be late to sing for ICantori at the University Church, so I decided to skip out on it, and Shannon and I grabbed raspberry lemonade from out of the fridge, and went on a wheelchair run to the park and over to my grandma's for lunch. Lunch was excellent --many friends gathered. Then I had the spring concert to go to --new most embarrasing story of the year happened! And after, Elise, Shayla, and Alexa came over and made pumpkin bread (which turned out to be a mess!), and then we went and watched a girl movie at Shay's. It was an excellent day!
Sunday: Late night talk with Elise in the hot tubb.
Today: I'm sitting outside on my grandma's patio and it's absolutely gorgeous. It's rainy, cloudy, and a little chilly, but I can hear the rain pouring, and the creek gurgle as the water drifts past, and it's peaceful. I know I need to do homework, but I think I might grab a blanket and curl up on her long lawn chair to just listen to the earth, and maybe close my eyes... This is different than most days, but it's needed.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Good News!

Yesterday I went to the orthopedist. He said what happened to me was a freak accident and he'd never seen anything like this happen before. A fractured fibula from running, no twist, no fall, just a simple run... pounding my feet on the pavement... he couldn't explain it. Apparently it's the tibia that's the weight bearing bone, which explains why I could run everyday for a week on it after the break, and then run Bloomsday. To say I ran 7.46 miles on a broken leg sounds pretty hardcore, not gonna lie, but it does make me sound pretty stupid as well... The fibula basically just supports the ankle so he told me I could technically walk out of his office without crutches if I really wanted to. He told me that probably in a week or two my foot won't hurt to walk on, and I won't have to use crutches, but I should really only stop using them whenever it doesn't hurt my ankle. That's GREAT news! I was worried it was going to be six weeks with those things! Only a month probably, and I'm half way done! He said by camp I should be able to wakeboard, and if my ankle's sore, I should just use my brace! Hooraaahh!
Last night I talked to Shannon from 10:30PM-1:00AM. It was long, but it was needed. It was good too! Right up there with my good news from the doctor!
Today was pretty uneventful, but it was still excellent. I really liked talking with Janet this morning. She brought me the most beautiful, bright pink flowers! But tonight's been nice as well. I've had almost an hour to myself, just to relax. I can't remember what homework I have so I'm not going to worry about it. I'll blame it on my memory loss, and worry about it later. For now, a good nights sleep sounds wonderful.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Awesome friends!

My friends are AWESOME! My small group came and made dinner at my house today. Shannon bought me a tank top today just for fun, and then she brought me Starbucks and came to my house to do my overflowing sink full of dishes and study with me for the night. That girl never ceases to blow my mind with kindness. How can a human being be that generous? She is my inspiration!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Fighting, Reviving, & Blooming

Today was sort of tough... I have spring fever and I just want to get out of my hot stuffy house and run. We have soccer and volleyball games this week. Jogging class! I'm suppose to go swimming tomorrow! Now I can't get my lifeguarding. I can't finish my "run 20 miles a week till camp" goal. I was starting to ride my bike to school to save on gas and get more exercise. All I want to do is just WALK. It's just dissapointing. I feel like all I do is eat and sleep, and lay with my foot up in the air, and do homework (which I can hardly focus on), and then wobble around awkwardly on my crutches from class to class. So lazy! Uhhhhggg, I'm already tired of it.
But I guess today wasn't all bad. I went to Blue Palm with Shannon... I know, just what I need in my sedentary state. I had greek salad outside with my sister, which was nice to. 1 because I've really been craving greek salad, and 2 because I feel like, although my sister and I live in the same house, we never see each other, and to eat dinner together is a rare occasion. We only have a month left of our lives to live together, and then we're on our seperate ways... So today was another day worth living. My life is great!
And the poor wilted flower from outside my house yesterday, is revived and back to life, like I will be SOON! What a great hope and inspiration! What a fighter, that flower! It's pot is planted right next to my door, so every time I come home I check on it, and it reminds me that I'm a fighter also, and I'll be blooming again soon too!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Strolling Today

Awesome day! Favorite part:
A stroll with Shay! And a smoothie to end the day!

Wilting

Man, the sun really takes it out of you. Yesterday, this poor flower was beautiful! This is a prime example of what dehydration and a beating sun does to you... I'm still feeling the effects today. My memory is sparse, and it's really frustrating. I'm drinking lots of water, and hopefully within a month, the doctor says it should be pretty much back to normal. Let's hope!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Tanning

Favorite part of the day:
Tanning in my lawn.
Foot elevated -check
Water -check
I guess that's all I need to live today.
Oh, and by the way, red heads CAN tan...
but today I got sunburned because I fell asleep :)

Friday, May 11, 2012

Fractured Fibula

Today was great! No classes, because of my awesome toe problems. I woke up early, finished homework due at 9, got in the hot tubb, showered, went to my doctors appointment, found out I had to go back to the hospital to re-take my X-ray because they X-rayed my foot rather than my ankle, and I think the highlight of my day was a salad and smoothie with Elise at The Garden, and then a jaunt over to goodwill to look for some sick earrings. The rest of my day was pretty good as well though. Jon took me to get my foot X-rayed, and then we went to Starbucks. We came home and Shannon came over and we made cupcakes (we meaning Shannon put everything in a bowl and I stirred it from on the couch, with my ankle up of course). Jon did my stack of dishes in the sink, overtaking the whole kitchen counters, which made me ubber happy because my house is SUCH a mess but I can't really clean it. Then the doctor called me and told me I fRaCtUrEd my fIbUlA which, honestly didn't surprise me. And of course Jon shoved an overly frosted cupcake all over my face while I was talking to my brother on the phone... Then we made stir fry for dinner (so good) and we headed to vespers! And after vespers, Melissa, Shannon, Laura and Michael came over for tea, hot chocolate (both of which we never actually had), and cupcakes. Michael did the remaining dishes from baking, wiped down my counters, took out the trash, and pulled the dead leaves off my plant in the window. What a pal! I don't know what's up with these boys, but they're keepers! Their mother's taught them well! Thank you mom's in the world! And now I'm off to bed. My toes are looking better, I have Sabbath School in the morning but nothing planned after that. No food in my house, but we'll figure something out... The sun should be shining, and maybe I can tan. Tomorrow's looking like another great day!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Charcoaled Toes and a Beaming Grams

When my toes aren't elevated, they're black. I got an X-ray today and I'll know tomorrow if my ankle is broken. I went to the Dr. again today and he wasn't concerned hardly at all about my ankle, but more worried about my freezing, dark, toes. He said if the swelling doesn't go down in the next few days, I might have to get rid of some toes next week. So I have to keep them elevated, basically at all times possible. So... that get's me out of classes tomorrow. Terrific.

Things in my life just seem to keep getting worse and worse, it's like there's no end. I wonder when things will start going right? But I consciously decided this morning I am going to be on top of the situation rather than beneath it, if that makes sense. I dictate my response, the situation does not control me. I can choose to enjoy the experience, even if it's a difficult one. There's always something to be learned, and more story to be added. Since I can't do much of anything on my bucketlist for this Spring quarter anymore, I've decided from now until the end of the year, everyday I am going to list my favorite thing that happened in the day.
So here it is for today:
Grandmabrought me a salad for lunch, took me to get my foot X-rayed, and then took me out to Blue Palm afterwards. I love my grandma more than she knows, and today (like everyday but especially today) I am SO SO thankful for her inspiring and beautiful character.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

SLOW DOWN!!!!!


This evening I was driving through my grandma's neighborhood, and a young girl, probably about 5, on a tricycle yelled at me to "SLOW DOWN!" as I passed her. She must have gotten that from her father, I thought. It reminded me of when I was young, living in Thornton, Colorado in a big brown house. My dad would be outside working on something and he'd yell at the top of his lungs, "SLOW DOWN!" as a racing car would speed by. Everytime he said it like he meant it. The look on his face was meant to scare the driver, but it sure scared me. Sometimes it would just be me and my siblings outside rollerblading or biking down the streets and whenever a car went speeding by one of us would yell, "SLOW DOWN!" in our weak, fragile voices.
This quarter has just been TOO busy. Exhausting. I hate it. These crutches suck. I can't put it any other way. And I've only been on them for 2 days. Just today I tripped and landed on my bad foot THREE stinkin' times! It hurt SOOOOOO bad! I tripped twice on stairs and once a few minutes ago as I was walking in my house. Tripped right over the rug, almost put me to tears. I wonder if it's because I'm moving too fast. I'm not careful enough... well obviously I'm not very careful with my body if I ran bloomsday on a swollen ankle (dumbest thing I've ever done). Maybe this is supposed to help slow me down. It's FORCING me to slow down. It cut out jogging at 7 a.m. It cut out soccer and volleyball almost every night. It cut out swimming on Sunday's and Tuesday's. I can't do much anymore at my teachers aide job so they let me out early... I feel useless. I can't do anything and I have to depend on other people to open the door for me or grab my folder for me in choir and put it away. I hate it. I need exersice to keep me happy and give me energy. I hope it's not broken. I'll know better by Thursday. They can't tell now because it's too swollen. My whole foot is a balloon.
Maybe I did need to slow down. But I don't like this lesson. It's a pain to learn... literally, ha!
What I really want to know is, when am I gonna hit rock bottom, because after that, things can only get better right?

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Dying

I remember being just a little less than a mile out from the finish line. I saw this tall building and remembered from last year that the finish line was just down this road straight to the building and then a right turn, and a sprint away. I could do this. My ankle hurt like it never had before, but I was almost there. Other than that, I was just a little tired, but I felt fine.
Then I woke up. All these medical people in red vests around me. I was lying down on some sort of cot thing. A man was trying to force me to drink water, but I felt nauseous and I couldn't drink it because I was fighting the urge to throw up. I gave in and threw up, all over myself. But it didn't matter because I was just stuggling to get air into my lungs. People were asking me questions but I couldn't hear. I couldn't feel my body. They wiped the sweat and puke from my face.
How long had I been here?
What happened?
Did I finish?
Where was Shannon?
How was I suppose to get a hold of her?
What time was it?
How serious was this?
Was I going to die?

All these questions were being tossed around in my brain, but my mouth couldn't speak words, so I laid there with a lifeless expression on my face. I raised my head to see if I was really touching my feet together and wiggling my toes. Sure enough, I just couldn't feel it.
Nurses would walk by or come crowd around and smile, and I'd try to smile back, because it's the polite thing to do, but I couldn't tell if it was working. My lips were numb.
They told me later that I had crossed the finish line, but I looked like a drunk, crazy person, so they came out and put me in a wheelchair. Apparently I threw up. They were asking me questions like, where do I live, and what was my name, and I answered. I have no recognition that any of this happened. Someone told my friends looking for me that I didn't look too good at the finish line, and learning what I did, I'm so embarrassed. Who saw me? I was so out of it.
They tried to sit me up, but I was dizzy, so they laid me back down. They stuck IV's in my arm, but I guess it wasn't working on my right side, so they had to use the other arm. I had never had an IV in my arm before, and I wasn't too excited about the idea. But it was fine, because I couldn't feel. While they were poking me, I thought about dying. Nothing really seemed to matter at that point. I honestly didn't care if I died. It was sort of like I already had. I couldn't remember the last hour of my life. And then I just "woke up". And if I had died, I never would've known. I had no idea how serious this was. I had no idea what happened. My body was relaxed, my mind was sort of in a daze, and the thought of dying didn't scare me. In fact, I felt ready. I thought about heaven and hell, and I didn't care where I ended up. I couldn't picture my life an hour away. Nothing really mattered and I just wanted to die. It's sort of silly when I look back on it now, but it was the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced. NO ONE will ever be able to understand unless it happens to them. And it was weird because the nurses really had no idea what I was feeling. They might pretend like they know, but no one really knows until it's happened to them. For a few hours today, I was not Karalee. I was just some human with a dysfunctional brain stuck in a body.
I laid there shivering from the cold fluid running into my veins for a good three hours. They asked me questions, my hearing was slowly improving but I stumbled to put words together that made sense to answer. I didn't have my phone, but I had Shannon's key to her car. So I knew they couldn't get too far, but I wasn't sure how I was going to get a hold of them, or find them when I got out of there. IF I got out of there. The only number I could remember was my house number in Coeur D'Alene, so we called it. No one picked up, so I tried to leave a message but my words still weren't working so I handed the phone back to the nurse to try to explain.
Eventually I could sit without being dizzy, and I could feel my feet enough to hold me up and move when I told them to. I started to respond to things quicker and my brain started working again. My hearing never fully came back until about an hour ago. The nurse walked with me through the line to get my T-shirt, and help me find my friends. She was nice, I really liked her. I wrapped myself in a blanket and hobbled through the massive crowd. My ankle was even more swollen then on Friday and I could hardly stand to put pressure on it. Even now the swelling hasn't gone down much, and I can't walk on it. They thought it might be a small fracture. Somehow we found my friends, or they found us. And driving home was a fight to keep from puking again. We got home around 5, and I still felt nauseous, but much more like Karalee, with real feeling. I slept till about 7:30 and tried to eat something. Now I have a massive test to study for, for tomorrow, and all I really want to do it die. Literally. After today, it just feels so much easier.