Friday, August 10, 2012

Falling Dots

I went out on the dock tonight and pondered the bright dots hanging in the sky. They said it was going to be a meteor shower --the most falling stars you'll ever see in your lifetime (of course that's what they said last time). I went to the corner of the dock with all the seagull poop, thinking no one would disturb me there. Thoughts flashed through my brain like the stars falling out of the sky. I pondered my life. Two weeks left of camp and then I'm free --but free from what exactly? That's what I thought the last time, with school --camp was my outlet, my resting haven, a place to hope for, but what's next? And what am I hoping to find there, because each time I think it'll be just around the corner, it's not, and I end up disappointed, each time more than the previous.
I pondered my life deeper. I have no picture in mind --no point, no purpose, ambition, intent, motivation-- no reason to even exist.

I thought about God. So high and mighty up in that big bright sky. I thought about his still small voice, and why I'd never heard it before.

I thought about the person that I am. Always wishing, searching for more --there's got to be more. I don't like it. Who I've become, that is.
Maybe that's reason enough to believe in God. I liked the person that I was not who I am. There's got to be more. More answers. More logic. More sense. Less feeling, less hope for something we'll never find.
I just want to know, when does the searching end? When does the world make sense? When does my life fit in to the puzzle? I just want to know --where do I go from here? All I find myself doing is hoping the answers will be found in the year ahead. Maybe the unfamiliarity and unknown of another country will shine a light on this? I hope. What else can I do?

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing your heart. You are on a good journey just cuz you ARE searching...longing for...seeking for the Best! Way to go. That is the journey. Growing. And keeping on hoping even when the way is hard. You are going to be SOOO strong inside through this trip.
    I believe God does speak to you in that still small voice...I realize NOW that he did speak to me when i was your age, I just didn't know it at the time. Too unaware. It was not yet clear.
    I think he put it on your heart to go away this year. And he put Costa Rica on your heart...you really have a strong push to go there. And really, with some of the junk from your past...you are doing really well considering all that. Keep listening. Keep seeking. You will find!
    Love....jw

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