I went out on the dock tonight and pondered the bright dots hanging in the sky. They said it was going to be a meteor shower --the most falling stars you'll ever see in your lifetime (of course that's what they said last time). I went to the corner of the dock with all the seagull poop, thinking no one would disturb me there. Thoughts flashed through my brain like the stars falling out of the sky. I pondered my life. Two weeks left of camp and then I'm free --but free from what exactly? That's what I thought the last time, with school --camp was my outlet, my resting haven, a place to hope for, but what's next? And what am I hoping to find there, because each time I think it'll be just around the corner, it's not, and I end up disappointed, each time more than the previous.
I pondered my life deeper. I have no picture in mind --no point, no purpose, ambition, intent, motivation-- no reason to even exist.
I thought about God. So high and mighty up in that big bright sky. I thought about his still small voice, and why I'd never heard it before.
I thought about the person that I am. Always wishing, searching for more --there's got to be more. I don't like it. Who I've become, that is.
Maybe that's reason enough to believe in God. I liked the person that I was not who I am. There's got to be more. More answers. More logic. More sense. Less feeling, less hope for something we'll never find.
I just want to know, when does the searching end? When does the world make sense? When does my life fit in to the puzzle? I just want to know --where do I go from here? All I find myself doing is hoping the answers will be found in the year ahead. Maybe the unfamiliarity and unknown of another country will shine a light on this? I hope. What else can I do?