Fear is winning.
For the past three days straight I've had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like I'm nervous, afraid, anxious, maybe even a little excited too --like I'm going to throw up. Sort of like the beginning of a rollercoaster when you're headed up, up, up, and when you reach the top --you know it's coming --you DROP. The feeling you get right before you hit it. The feeling of wishing you could "just stop this thing!" That you could get off, jump off, run back... where it's safe. But no such luck, you're stuck. And I'm stuck too. Right in that spot, with that feeling, wishing for a safe place. Wishing to run away. Run backward, 100 mph. RUN RUN RUN. AWAY!
The past few days I've laid in bed unable to sleep --that darn fear is hogging my bed-- so I just lay there. I breathe in the scent. I feel the soft mattress underneath and pull the puffy blankets close to my chin... comfortable. When I do fall asleep, it's filled with a lot of tossing and turning. I feel fear is winning. When I awake in the morning, I lay motionless in my big bed. I soak it all in. The royal red curtains hanging loosely across the windows, the desk next to them cluttered and messy with music, books, pictures, loose paper full of lists and names and numbers, and lots of colorful sticky notes pinned here and there. Then there's the floor... there's clothes on the floor, a giant stack of books, a camera, a laptop, an open suitcase, a backpack, and more clothes... in the midst of all being packed. I look around the room and see the mirror with ribbon and bows around it (and more sticky notes reminding me to do who knows what) and pictures on the walls, and above me, reads my name made of styrofoam wrapped in colorful fabric and ribbons, letting everyone who enters know I've claimed this territory. I grab my blankets closer and just breathe. Comfortable.
Rollercoasters, most definitely not comfortable --especially in the very back (my favorite place to be), because it jostles (more like throws) you around more than if you were closer to the front, pretty reckless and rough --but they sure are fun! I love the butterfly flip feeling in my stomach, and the wind in my hair when we take off and fly down a drop. I love putting my hands up, like I'm wild and free.
My bed is pretty nice. There's no doubt, it's nice to be comfortable. But what about the rest of life? The stuff we'd miss out on if we stayed in bed. You can't lay in bed forever!
It's cold when I pull off the covers this morning, but I'm ready. I'm nervous. SO nervous. I still feel like puking, but it's a choice I've made in my mind a long time ago, and those choices stick. I'm getting dressed and heading out. Today my plane leaves at 1:25. I'll be in L.A. by dinner time. I'll have a chance to spend time with one of my best friends! We're going to do crazy fun things! At midnight Saturday night, I'll board my next plane --headed for a drop off --all the way to Costa Rica. There's no turning back now. I'm out the door, rainboots on and all. Watch out fear, HANDS UP! I'm ready to rechannel you into an energy and excitement so wild and free that nothing can stop it. I'm ready for take off!
I'm putting this blog to rest until I return from my adventures. If you want to keep up with my experiences, follow my new blog for the year, Stretching Limits at www.karaleeincostarica.blogspot.com. And if you feel REALLY ambitious, maybe like sending a package my way, my new address will be:
Centro Educativo Adventista de Monteverde
Puntarenas, Costa Rica